A New Day

Formerly Scott's picture

Here in New Jersey, the weather has changed. Spring, however far away, can be smelled just under the ground. The temperature is rising, even if the wind still chills; the grass is pungent even if it is still brown. January is done. No matter what freak storms come up, we are through the worst of winter.

Today is a good day for change. Last night, I realized that I am tired of being a dramatic person. I'm tired of getting hurt so easily and of depressing myself because I happen to be alone for a moment. Everything is the end of the world, every person is staring at me, every laugh is at my expense. Maybe that's putting it a bit more extreme than how it really is, but that's how my life is at times. It's silly. I was thinking about it last night at a talent show I went to. One of the guys singing on stage was so cool. I thought to myself, What is it about him that is so appealing? Why do I want to be him so badly? What would it take be like that? After watching him and thinking about it for a little while longer, I concluded that it was because he doesn't really let things get to him; he was confident without being cocky. Granted, this was him on stage, but if you had seen him you could tell that he was the same there as he is in his life, that he wasn't even letting the fact that he was on stage in front of hundreds of people get to him.

He inspired me. Too often I walk around assuming that everyone is better than me. I value what they think too much, and most of what "they think" is invented by me. It's time to learn a lesson that people have been trying to teach me for a very long time: Don't care what other people think. However, I think that what made me so averse to that idea was that the people who gave me that advice were sort of obnoxious about it. In order to be yourself, you don't need to go out of your way to make sure that everyone knows who you are. That's extroversion at its worst; you still need other people's reactions to identify yourself, but you think that you don't care. I learned last year that introversion is actually not shyness but is rather getting energy from within instead of from other people. That can be seen as shyness because you don't require a lot of people to be happy. Small groups with intimate exchanges are enough. That's how I am already, but I think that I need to bring it to another level. I need to be confident enough in myself that I can just be me, which does not mean loud and opinionated, but also does not mean interacting with a bowed head and apologetic tone. I am not going to make enemies, but I am not going to be truly submissive.

I want to change, and I think I can do it in a peaceful, happy way. And then, once I am happy with myself, I can focus on love.

I just need to keep spring on my mind and keep my music playing.

Formerly Scott