Blahness

eTgen's picture

Blah. That is really how I feel today. I wrote my paper, which was good. I ate which was good. The weather wasn't too cold which is good. So why has today not been good?

Blah. I sat opposite the homo in my dorm today at dinner (we have house tables so all the people in a dorm eat at one long table. Think Harry Potter). I have tried my hardest to be pleasant to be nice to him. But alas- all has failed. He is curt and generally rude. I fear that rejoining the gay community has become practically impossible- at least at this school.

Blah. I am in that "why am I gay" mode of thinking. I mean this time last year, I perfectly accepted my sexuality. But I think it has actually gotten worse since I have been here. I have come to hate homosexuals, and ergo myself. I hate hating myself. I hate hating other people. I hate hating who I am.

Blah. I thought back in HS that college would be a chance to have fun. To met neat and interesting people. I have met two. Two. Two people who I can have a conversation with. Granted I can talk to anyone, and often do, but those are not friendships but just rather acquaintances. I hope college is not a model for real life.

Blah. I was born in the wrong age. My time has not yet come. There is not one singular person alive who thinks exactly like me. And while this one may think that this is cool, its not. It sucks. I can't talk to gay guys, because the only thing we have in common is that we like men. I can't to republicans. Democrats. Philosopher. Mathematician. Anthropologists. Sociologists. Computer Nerds. Objectivists. Post-modernists. Structuralists. Physicists. Linguists. And people who drink milk. I always am thinking a different way. I see where they are coming from, but I try to tell them my way. They don't understand. I don't talk to many people anymore. And If I do, I pretend that I am stupid.

Blah. I don't think I will ever be able to have a relationship. I am always putting on a facade. A mask. To one group of people, I pretend to be poor and smart. To another rich and stupid. No one has ever seen the real me- not even myself. I fear that Socratic wisdom fails.

Blah. I am a fox, not a hedgehog. I do not have one big stupid idea, but so many that I loose count, but not really- I just pretend that I do.

Blah. I have been in love once. His name was Jeremy. He was perfect. It was the summer before my 10th grade year. It was not lust. I wanted to be in his arms. He played the clarinet. I gave him a solo in Russian Easter, because it was his favorite song, and it would have been my only solo. I never had another solo again. After the six weeks were up I cried. I never saw Jeremy again. I never even talked to him again. Since that day I swore that I would never fall in love again. I never had. I fear I may never. I have lusted. But that is quite together a different story.

Blah. There is a girl in my PE class who clearly has a thing for me. I wish I had a thing for her. I haven't told her that I am gay. It does not show easily. In fact very few people know, they all think that I am straight. My roommate does not know. He's not stupid. I think he knows.

Blah. There are two guys that I know are gay and are cute. I have never talked to them. I know there names. I doubt they know mine. I want so badly to talk to them, but under principle I will not. It is the principle of contradiction.

Blah. I hate being a contradiction. Everything I say, or want. I do the opposite. It is my facade. It is my life. I have no life.

Blah. In three years I will be out of this place. I want to be rich. I want to have money. I want to be finically secure. I am a shallow person. I realize my own flaw. If I had to choose I would take money over poverty and happiness.

Blah. Superficiality is the plague of our century. Few people know this and take off the masks. I know this and wear the masks voluntarily.

Blah. One day I will change the world. Or it will change me.

~eTgen

Comments

ahumancondition's picture

...

...or you'll change yourself.

Habit is the ballast that chains a dog to his vomit. - Samuel Beckett

desert13's picture

Ummmmm....yeah...

Half of your blog reminds me of John Gardner's Grendel,and half of it reminds me of me. Let me explain:

In Grendel, Gardner takes the Beowulf story and talks about the bad guy (in first person). Grendel is unsatisfied with himself, lonely, and at odds with the world. He is motivated by gut instincts to go out and kill people. It's not like he enjoys it, he just has to do it.

Me - A lot of times I feel like I don't have anything in common with anyone in my world. It's not true, but it feels that way. I go to a private school that tries hard to keep scary people like gays and lesbians away. Many times, I feel like a gorilla trying to fit into an ant colony.

One thing I do know - coming out, little by little, has been good. The people that I have told have become even better friends. Even the ones that are homophobic acting - some of them actually have big gay-loving hearts. Taking off the mask is scary as hell, but it's amazing how well it works. Try it.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you just like everybody else means to fight the greatest battle there is to fight and never stop fighting."

~e.e. cummings

c.f.

eTgen's picture

Gardner

Grendel fell into a pit of nihilism. He followed the four pillars of nihilism. I am still existential not nihilistic. Perhaps that shall change.

latterz,

eTgen
---
CEO, President, Founder, and sole member of:

The Movement To Free Ommpa loompa Land From The Tyrannical Rule Of The Evil Capitalsitic Despot Willy Wonka And Associates

[TMTFOLLFTTROTECDWWAA]

Leisa's picture

A little pomposity

It's incredible to me how most people don't realize their own amazingness. The human ability to do and achieve is greater than our self-defeat. You can be whomever and do whatever your little heart desires, if only you'd realize it.

ahumancondition's picture

Leisa, If I ask nicely...

can I marry you?

Habit is the ballast that chains a dog to his vomit. - Samuel Beckett

hol's picture

Criteria...

Are you a Canadian? Cause Leisa only will only marry a Canadian.

~hol

Leisa's picture

You know what I want Holly....

MY CITIZENSHIP! Bwahahahahahahahaha!

JB's picture

still waiting

Leisa.... I am still waiting to take our relationship to that next level!

So long And Thanks For All The Fish!

Leisa's picture

I'm waiting for.....

my ring dammit! And maybe a bit of that other thing you promised to send me ;-)

Leisa's picture

Want to know something funny.......

that's the 4th proposal I've recieved in one week. Strange happenings these days ;-)

thoughtsinelectricblu's picture

Just A Thought...

If you were born in the wrong era and haven't mastered the art of folding time and space, then create that era now...Jason

Gone to find myself, If I get back before I return...Please keep me here!