Crying myself to sleep

out of the flames's picture

crying myself to sleep with a knife to my wrist. The smell of alcohol on my breath. This is how i am living, and i hate it. I just wish i could stop, stop all of it. I wish i had a handle on my life. But lest afce it i don't i can not control my self anymore. and today i began to slip back into to bad stuff, i have stopped eating again...i thought i was over that, but i guess i truely never will be.
My left wrist is where my real feelings. They almost all represent horrible aspects of my life. i think i have done it about eight or nine times, and thats way too many. i hate all of this, i wish this was not me, but it is and i am gonna have to deal...eventually. Can't i just hide the scars? can't i just pretend to be a happy little straight girl? because somtimes pretending sounds a lot easier...the only times you can not actually pretend, is when you are alone with yourself. Thats when i reach for the kinfe, when i am alone, when i hit rock bottem.
So tonight i will go to sleep just like every other night, knife in hand, taste of alcohol in my mouth and dreaming of a hopeless future