I sit here at my desk and stare at the application in front of me: Standing Committee for Gay and Lesbian Student Needs--Application for Undergraduate Student Members. I also think about the OutreachND club; the unofficial student run support group. They, too need officers for next school year...specifically a female co-chair aka co-president. Could I really do this? Do I want to do this? Why did I print out the appication if I don't?
If I were to apply to either of these positions (or both), It would throw my life into a 360 degree spin. Essentially, I would be outing myself to everybody...the whole freakin' campus. In a way, I think it would be easier like that. No quiet face-to-face "can we talks?"...no having to explain to people why I don't want to ask a guy to the spring formal...I'm sure the news would spread quickly. While the administration encourages people to treat gays/lesbians with respect, we're still considered oddities.
I would have to come out to my friends, though...I couldn't let them find out by seeing my name in the paper, or by hearing that I did some presentation to freshmen about what It's like living as a lesbian student here at Notre Dame. That's a scary thought...coming out to my friends. I want to tell them, I don't like keeping this part of my life a secret. It's slowly but surely strangling some aspect of myself, what exactly that is, I'm not quite sure of yet.
And then there's my family. This would give me a reason to come out to them...I don't want to have to word my way around things, telling half-truths and vague answers when we talk about my life here.
I just don't know if I have the strength to do this. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a lesbian...I'm sure of that. But as of now the only people that know I'm gay are the other gay students in Outreach, my roommate, my RA, my sister, and a few good friends from home. Do I really want to take such a humongous leap out of the closet?
I just don't know.
The deadline for the Standing committee application is March 7th, the day before spring break... I have some decisions to make.
but for now, the application is just taking up space on my desk, still untouched by a pen.
P.S. I realize I dissappeared for a few weeks...I've been visiting Oasis daily, I just have had trouble bringing myself to write. Not quite sure why... (Not that anyone really cares, but I just thought I'd let you know I'm alive)