um...here it goes...just a little background:
when i was born my parents were both drug addicts, i was born addicted to heroin and coke. when i was four things at home started to get out of hand, and my grand parents got custody of me. I guess i have always known that im not completly straight...in preeschool i had a "friend"...Chealsea...she and i used to kiss and shit...all the stuff we thought only boys and girls could do. Now dont get me wrong, i have been raise in a very liberal, accepting house...i mean, for god's sake...i live in San Francisco, and my grandma teaches human sexuality at SF state university! we always had gay family friends over, i i was told it was perfectly normal...that it was better than normal, that it was beautiful. However, that is not what our storybooks said, and that is not what the tv said...the media had a major impact on my beliefs and values during the very early years of my life...anyway, chealsea and i would kiss and stuff, but i always, to some extent, thought what we were doing was wrong...but at the same time, i thougt it was normal, that every other four year old was experimenting in this fashion.
fast forward a few years...now im about seven...i am attending a very awesome, liberal, accepting...the best school...my dad is in recovery, and my mom is still in a 12 step program.
to set the scene:my mom, mom's sponser, dad, and i are sitting out in the sun on a sunday afternoon...mom's sponser,Kelsie, is about to leave, so mom tells us to wait because she is going to walk Kelsie to her car. so, for about five minutes i am waiting, then i decide to go find my mommy, im a seven year old...i have no patience. I end up finding mom and kelsie kissing in the hall way, Kelsie has her tounge shoved down my mom's throat...there is no way i was expecting this...the see me standing there, and mom tries to comfert me, but no...i scream and run to my daddy (i've always been a daddy's girl) i tell him what i saw, and he asks why i am mad...after about 45 min. my mom comes out, and i start sobbing again...we talk and tak and talk, and finally i come to the conclusion Im not mad because mom is gay, im mad because she didn't tell me...althought it was really obvious, she and her girlfriend lived in one room of our small house, and my dad and i lived in the other for the first four years of my life.
so now were going to fastforward a few more years...im in fourth/fifth grade now...by this time i was pretty clear on my feelings for both chicks and guys
i'm over at a good friend's house (i won't use names for their sake) and an innocent game of beanie babbies turns into a small kiss which turns into making out, which turns into what i have known to be lesbian sex...yes, an eleven year old...it is sick. that lasted for a couple years, but we both decided that it was to fucked up.
now we'll journey into the land of now/recently, eighth/end of seventh grade...what a year/s. towards the end of seventh grade i became much more aware of my sexual identity, how i feel and why, i also became more aware of body image...how eating 1 1/2 meals a day, and puking could make me thinner back then, the end of seventh grade i puked to be thin...but at the begining of this year it was because of pain...emotional pain, keeping secrets from the rest of the world...holding too much in, so it seemed reasonable...that this was a way to express my pain, a reason for pain. It sounds silly, but it does make sense...but after a while, puking wasn't enough. there was so much more pain than before, that is why i started cutting...so i could have a reason for pain...a way to release my anger and pain. Nut that is a sick thought, a horrible way to handle pain, a way i couldn't handle any more...that is when i came out. first to my friend, then to my most trusted teacher, then to other teachers, then to other friends, then to the whole school, then slowly...im still in the process of telling my family...it is so realiving to tell people, ach time i tell someone i become happier, there is less weight on my shoulders...so i have found that talking is a much better way to handle yourself than self distruction...it has taken me a long ime to realize that, and the help of a few special people, namely;Theo, Lisa, Dan, Susie, Drea...if it wern't for you guys i dont know what i would do!*