We had the entire place to ourselves tonight, just the four of us. Though I missed seeing everyone else that we spent the week with, it was nice to just be the four of us, like some of the old times.
We are leaving on our thirteen hour drive back tomorrow morning. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to leave, with the part of me not sure it could stay, very, very small. If the opprotunity to move down here is truly presenting itself...I'm left to consider it.
But then I'm disturbed by this 'if' word. Along with a comment I made tonight, about it taking liquor for 'us' to express our feelings. This is my own noose laid out for me to hang myself with. When I made that comment, from out of thin air, for whatever reason, I do not know now; I can only reason that I was making it about myself. And the horror of the comment is that I don't express my true feelings under the influence. I don't express anything that is true. I just express. ANd yes there are things that I'm thinking that I'm not expressing when I'm sober, that some part of me feels I should be.
Goddess, I'm rambling. Maybe I just need to write. So that is what I'm doing...so instead I'm going to leave the last few paragraphs and finish instead of deleting it all, as I want to so badly. Perhaps if I come back and read this tomorrow, I will be able to make some sense out of it, that I can't at three in the morning.
OK, on with this whole thing of not being able to express my true feelings...
There are lots of times when I don't think people are being completely up front with me, that they are holding out on me. OK, well I could go to the doctor and get some anti-anxiety medicine, but is that really going to solve the problem? I don't think so. I believe the problem could be that I'm not being up front and honest with what I'm feeling, and therefore that is why I believe others are doing the same to me.
I SO need to get this out, because I'm feeling so completely insincere right now. I'd like to say thay I don't know who I am at times, but I've been this person for so long. I don't want to be so closed up...