I deleted my previous two entries, because I've worked to resolve the situation in a more constructive way. I think that venting is healthy, but I couldn't go back and edit those entries into anything valuable. I love the new delete and better edit features in this version of Oasis.
I thought my last semester was supposed to be a joyous time. Time when I could -- finally! -- have fun.
After four years in New York, and a one hundred and thirty thousand dollar education, I still have no idea what fun is, much less how to find it.
And I'm unhappy.
I don't do well with uncertainty. Right now I don't feel like I can trust people to be there when I need them. (Having been stood up multiple times -- by multiple people -- in the past week has not helped my outlook.) I don't trust myself. I don't believe in my ability to continue succeeding. And let's not even think about the fact that where I'm going to be after May 21st is a completely unknown quantity.
I want to go home. I want a familiar, comforting, supportive and consistent thing.
The intellectual part of me knows that the home I want is an ideal impossibility, and that the real is never comforting. It's actually painful, stifling -- it's a place where I am incomplete.
But it's easy to forget all that when I feel so sad.
I think, more than anything, that I want someone I can trust in. But I would settle for something that felt semi-permanent.