The Amiguous Orientation - or, maybe, bisexuality

RoaG's picture

Ok.

So... I know that I owe [myself] the coming-out entry...

... but, like always, I've started thinking about things (why does that always lead to trouble?), and so now I'm going to pour my introspection into this silly little blog thing. Today my mom told me that I get online too much to think about these things; that I retreat into the depths of my mind and get lost along the way. I guess maybe she's right.

All my friends tell me that I project confidence and always seem so self-assured, which I suppose is a good thing, but what do I do when I need to purge myself of my own insecurities? Believe it or not, they're there, and they've been chipping my self-esteem away bit by bit.

Sexuality. Aside from Oasis people, I haven't known where to go for support - positive support - in my all too somethingsomethingsomething life. Most people who I try to talk to are either straight or queer but biphobic, and all are just as confused as I am. It has taken me most of high school to realize that I've lost my own personal autonomy. I have been focussing way too much on what other people believe I am and have used what they say to form the basis of my own self-image - an image that, I should add, is not a very positive one. I've found every reason imaginable - most outside the realm of logic - to believe that it's all in my head and that I'm really just a fucked-up-straight girl.

When a friend of mine came out to me recently, something within me clicked. I had just been diagnosed with mono (which is stil in affect, sadly), so I was spending a lot of my time laying in bed. Even though I could barely walk around the house without having to lie down, my brain activity was full-blown. I... can't really say exactly why my friend coming out to me changed things, but I suppose it just gave me some confidence that I had been losing since freshman year. I was alone in my room with my thoughts and was starting to view everything from a different perspective. I was actually giving myself some credibility, and that felt pretty damn good. So I decided to put a rainbow pin on my backpack.

I'm still Not Ready, though, and that sucks. I told myself that I'd make myself ready, because really, I want to be. I want to meet people. I don't want other kids to feel scared about coming out, because as it stands, our school is so freakin hush-hush about everything that you feel lost in a sea of straight people. It's a sad thing, and seeing as I only know three queer girls at our school (one who has a boyfriend, one who scares me, and the third that is scared of me), it's also frustration as hell. But in any case, there are still too much fog for me to be able to clearly see who I am, which ultimately means that this rainbow button business is not something that I can deal with yet and will probably hinder the process of self-discovery even further. Of course, I'm come out to more people than I can name, so I'm sure half my class knows, but whatever. They don't bother me, I don't bother them.

So what. So... ambiguity, yes. There was a girl from 8th grade - my first crush, who I found out has a girlfriend today, which made me unreasonably sad - who's memory is what keeps me thinking that I'm a queer. I haven't really met any girls since, which makes me wander about myself. When it comes down to it though, I don't feel comfortable dating at all. Period. It's too stressful for me. So, does the fact that I haven't had many girl-crushes mean that I'm not queer? Now that sounds ridiculous... But... what if I was just a confused 14 year old?

All these questions depress the hell out of me. I wanna be queer but I don't. I wanna be straight but I don't think I am. None of it makes any fucking sense, and that fact that I'm not going insanely horny over any member of the female gender and that my feelings for guys are a lot clearer make me doubt myself even more.

And I have yet to find a queer girl that doesn't intimidate the hell out of me.

I'm just not ready.

Is anyone else as confused as me? Still? I'll be 18 in ust over a month and I know of girls 4 years younger than me that seem to have it together. What the fuck is going on?

Comments

sneezing gurl's picture

I know

how you feel...the phalliphobia, the questioning, granted I'm 18, but still there's a few months between us; but I do understand that feeling. Espeically of how labels aren't important, but you still have the need to fit under one. I've been thinking a lot about all of that recently too, these questions of labels and sexuality run through my mind as if to torture me until I can't take it any longer; and the worst thought that pops into my mind...what if I'm asexual and just dont know it....that would fucking suck huh? or what if I'm supposed to be alone for the rest of my life? what if every person who I've found and thought was the right person, really was the right person, but I did something wrong...? Well, plagued by these questions and having far too strong of a sex drive (LOL) to be asexual, I came to the conclusion that the reason we feel the need to be labeled, is because society tells us that we should all belong in certain spectrums...gay or straight (with no room for the in between) male or female, conservative or liberal, sad or happy, angry or placated...so, from day one of our comprehension, we see these black and white labels. Honestly, I think the best, most sincere advice I ever came across was this:
"I've given that a lot of thought, you know? I mean, now that I'm being ostracized by my friends, I've had a lot of time to think about all of this. And what I've come up with is really simple: I came to this on my terms. I didn't just heed what I was taught, you know? Men and women should be together, it's the natural way--that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is--how seldom you meet that one person who gets you--it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There was no example set for me in the world of male/female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person--to immediately half your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender...that just seemed stupid. So I didn't. But then you came along. You--the one least likely; I mean, you were a guy....And while I was falling for you, I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place--to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd compliment me so completely. And so here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms--because I got here on my own terms, and have no question that there was someplace I didn't look. And that makes all the difference. " -Chasing Amy-Alyssa-Joey Lauren Adams.