So... I know that I owe [myself] the coming-out entry...
... but, like always, I've started thinking about things (why does that always lead to trouble?), and so now I'm going to pour my introspection into this silly little blog thing. Today my mom told me that I get online too much to think about these things; that I retreat into the depths of my mind and get lost along the way. I guess maybe she's right.
All my friends tell me that I project confidence and always seem so self-assured, which I suppose is a good thing, but what do I do when I need to purge myself of my own insecurities? Believe it or not, they're there, and they've been chipping my self-esteem away bit by bit.
Sexuality. Aside from Oasis people, I haven't known where to go for support - positive support - in my all too somethingsomethingsomething life. Most people who I try to talk to are either straight or queer but biphobic, and all are just as confused as I am. It has taken me most of high school to realize that I've lost my own personal autonomy. I have been focussing way too much on what other people believe I am and have used what they say to form the basis of my own self-image - an image that, I should add, is not a very positive one. I've found every reason imaginable - most outside the realm of logic - to believe that it's all in my head and that I'm really just a fucked-up-straight girl.
When a friend of mine came out to me recently, something within me clicked. I had just been diagnosed with mono (which is stil in affect, sadly), so I was spending a lot of my time laying in bed. Even though I could barely walk around the house without having to lie down, my brain activity was full-blown. I... can't really say exactly why my friend coming out to me changed things, but I suppose it just gave me some confidence that I had been losing since freshman year. I was alone in my room with my thoughts and was starting to view everything from a different perspective. I was actually giving myself some credibility, and that felt pretty damn good. So I decided to put a rainbow pin on my backpack.
I'm still Not Ready, though, and that sucks. I told myself that I'd make myself ready, because really, I want to be. I want to meet people. I don't want other kids to feel scared about coming out, because as it stands, our school is so freakin hush-hush about everything that you feel lost in a sea of straight people. It's a sad thing, and seeing as I only know three queer girls at our school (one who has a boyfriend, one who scares me, and the third that is scared of me), it's also frustration as hell. But in any case, there are still too much fog for me to be able to clearly see who I am, which ultimately means that this rainbow button business is not something that I can deal with yet and will probably hinder the process of self-discovery even further. Of course, I'm come out to more people than I can name, so I'm sure half my class knows, but whatever. They don't bother me, I don't bother them.
So what. So... ambiguity, yes. There was a girl from 8th grade - my first crush, who I found out has a girlfriend today, which made me unreasonably sad - who's memory is what keeps me thinking that I'm a queer. I haven't really met any girls since, which makes me wander about myself. When it comes down to it though, I don't feel comfortable dating at all. Period. It's too stressful for me. So, does the fact that I haven't had many girl-crushes mean that I'm not queer? Now that sounds ridiculous... But... what if I was just a confused 14 year old?
All these questions depress the hell out of me. I wanna be queer but I don't. I wanna be straight but I don't think I am. None of it makes any fucking sense, and that fact that I'm not going insanely horny over any member of the female gender and that my feelings for guys are a lot clearer make me doubt myself even more.
And I have yet to find a queer girl that doesn't intimidate the hell out of me.
I'm just not ready.
Is anyone else as confused as me? Still? I'll be 18 in ust over a month and I know of girls 4 years younger than me that seem to have it together. What the fuck is going on?