the end

metrored's picture

I'm sitting in the black cultural center writing this. I stood by the door for nearly a half hour, I couldn't bring myself to leave but I didn't know what to do if I stayed. I normally go to a campus queer meeting but I didn't feel a place there. They are doing, valentines day cards, I couldn't didn't want to be apart of that, partly because I never celebrate valentine's and partly because I've never been connected to the vast majority of the people in those meetings to whom I don't exist in the outside world. To go would be to watch myself not exist. So I sat and I talked and listened. I miss black people and the fledgling connections that I desperately need to nurture. I think my experiment just failed. I need my people because without them, I am alone. I was a gasping man trying to hold his breath. So I must live with what I have and abandon what will not be.

I don't know what I'll do but I do know that I have to escape this campus. If only for a day.

I keep on asking myself if I should transfer. I asked a little last semester and a lot more now. I'd don't know where I'd go though and I don't know if it will make that much of a difference. In the meantime, I pass the time doing my reading and am lost if I don't have a good distraction. All the while I feel like it's just hysteria. If I find a guy it will be all right but the worst part is, I don't think I'll find one in any capacity.