thoughts at 1 am...

dazed and confused's picture

I should've known this was coming. I've felt it approaching for weeks, like how you can sense an impending storm by the smell and feel of the air. I'm sure I did know, somewhere inside me. But I ignored any warnings I may have given myself and now I find myself sitting at my computer struggling not to cry.

I don't know if it was the weekend that was the trigger, or just the fact that I've been ignoring my feelings, but late this evening I was overcome by a powerful feeling of self-hatred...Maybe not hatred, but dislike. I don't like myself right now. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to have to inform people about my sexuality. I don't want to be afraid to tell my parents about such an integral part of who I am. I want to be like the other 9/10 of the planet.

Why can't I be like my sister; she's already on girlfriend number 2 and is living a quite "out" life. I've been questioning my sexuality a lot longer than she has, dammit, _I_ should be the one living comfortably with my sexuality. But I'm not. I'm not comfortable with it. I don't know who to talk to, what I would say. I don't even know why I'm uncomfortable. I just wish I could rewind time to when I was dating my one steady boyfriend in high school and make myself feel something for him, make myself be attracted to him.

I know I'm a lesbian. That's not going to change. I've never really been attracted to men, and I'm sure as hell attracted to women.

Fuck. Why do I do this to myself? I just can't make myself really accept who I am and deal with it. WHY NOT???? I wish I knew.

I should talk to someone...I know my RA would be more than happy to talk with me. But what would I say? She's straight...she wouldn't _really_ understand.

I don't know if I can do this. I've got three full weeks before spring break. My classes seem so meaningless right now, I can't even stay awake in two of them. And then, I'll spend the whole spring break either worrying about coming out to my mom, or coming out to my mom and dealing with the consequences. Either way, it's going to be a very emotionally draining break. I don't need that. I'm at my wits end...I just need to get away from everything, away from my own head.

It's times like this when I feel like I really suck at life...



amy's picture


*hug*.. i think were in the same timezone. 1amish here. and it keeps snowing :P .. i hope ya feel better

adbak's picture

First off...

I just wanna say that you should NOT hate/dislike yourself. You aren't wrong. What you should be mad at is homophobia. You will still be you regardless of the homophobia, not the other way around.

As for talking to people, maybe you should confide in your sister whom you said had girlfriends. That'll most likely help you keep your marbles, as they say. But whatever you do, i wish you the best of luck!