::laughter dying down into humming noises:: Hmmmmm... mmmhmmmhmmm... Oh, that was just enjoyable... hmmmhmmm...
Well, as I was waiting for my school to finally close this evening, I decided to browse through the XY personals, and I don't think that I've had this much fun laughing and crying because of my empathy for people since... well... since that MTV's "Made" this morning about the football player who wanted to be an opera singer and had absolutely NO sense of pitch, let alone ANY talent for singing. (I admired him for trying, but I thought it was ridiculous that the people kept telling him he was so good when he still needed a LOT of work. I mean, they gave him "Aura Lee" as his piece. "AURA LEE"? That's an audition piece for a regional choir! That's singing basics. "Aura Lee"... Wow, I was so embarassed for him I was laughing and tearing up and making a scene. It was very intense for me.)
Anyway, back to the personals. I realize that they are more important to gays because there are less of us and it's harder to find each other, but HONESTLY, do they have to be so damned corny? Nevermind the fact that I was even browsing personals sites; I realize that that itself will not allow me to get away from this whole thing without being judged. Still, I haven't actually posted a personals ad. It's not that I think I'm above it or anything; I doubt that I would get many responses if I did, and I also don't think that I would be able to avoid the tone that I find so laughable. But these people made the choice. They posted their pictures with little tags underneath that say "Looking for Love" and "Dream On", "Real Guy Here" and "Misunderstood", and just couldn't take them seriously. I mean, it was almost like I could see them saying the words, and it was just the cheese-balliest experience of my online history. Forget that a lot of them were hot (and that some of them were so not that I wondered why they bothered entering into something that was basically an auction for the sexiest guy); nothing they said made them sound appealing, and it wasn't their fault! You can't sum up who you are, and if you try it makes you seem pretentious or hollow. You like the beach? You enjoy foreign films? You're looking for sex? How is that at all persuasive? Well, the sex thing can be persuasive, I guess, but how is that something to base a first meeting on? These boys dumb down their speech to be cute and manly or they try to sound really smart and above everyone else. They stress how important looks are while they TOTALLY lie about their weight. Perhaps I'm not one to judge; I realized halfway through the smirking that I was sitting in a most unflattering relaxed position and that I was the sad boy at home looking through the personals, but that's my right as a personals browser. They make the decision to be evaluated, and I really don't know why they can't be more real. I say to them: Take pictures that don't make you look frightening and tragic or that show you shirtless! Don't jut out your head to give a totally unrealistic angle that's all chin, smirk, and upward-turned eyes! Hell, use candid shots so that we can see how you look when you're not posing; it can't be that bad, and the honesty would be refreshing. Write that you like to read but that you don't do it enough or that you really wish there was another way to meet people other than the stupid personals because you REALIZE that they're so contrived. Don't you realize that the harder you try, the less likely things are to work out? Go for realism! Promote it without being cynical or bitchy about it! Let's get back to being real.
Eh, maybe I'll just be alone for a long time because I'm paralyzed in person and I have no knack for personals.
Oh yeah, and I've had my first little regression back into unproud territory again last week. I guess hanging out with my friends who don't know about me and also hanging out with my lesbian friend at the same gets to be really stressful and causes it. I mean, I'm always worried about the next thing she's going to say that will get them wondering, especially because she's been sort of girl crazy since she broke up with her long term girlfriend. And the more I worry, the more I feel like I need to worry, and then I wonder about the value of leading a double life, of being a shy innocent guy most of the time and drinking and dancing at night. I sometimes think that, since I probably won't find a guy, I should just go back to the blissful days of closetude and try really hard to be straight.
I know, it's silly. Loneliness can do that sometimes, though. I mean, what is a homosexual without sex and a relationship? Why, labeling a person as a homosexual is only possible when the sexual part actually exists. Without the function, the label is not necessary.
Okay, I think I've written enough. Point: personals are just plain goofy.