(a)muse(ment)

linds's picture

Extended usage of parentheses is dangerous to one's health. It screams, "too much time spent in theoryland!"

I want to channel my favorite theorists today. Become... Kristeva, say, or Cixous, for a minute or two. Theory is a deliciously filling alternate universe. It's a place where the real things -- deadlines, feelings, and so on -- are turned away at the entrance. Theory is like ice cream. You want it, but damn it, it's not that good for you in large quantities.

Escapism has its benefits. But only for so long.

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When I read your poetry I often wonder why it affects me so. Why I've allowed it -- and you -- to grab hold of my imagination. Why am I torturing myself with the idea of you? It sure as hell didn't work the last time I tried it. I've caused myself a lot of pain by dreaming up castles in the air. My fantasies aren't little 3-bedroom starter homes. Building one is more like replicating Versailles.

And when it crumbles -- and it inevitably crumbles -- I feel completely broken.

You're not really my muse. It's just a good code phrase. After all, I spend some time, here and there, musing about you. Even if the only piece that results is a journal entry, rather than a paper on Boethius and medieval philosophy.

You do have some of the appropriate qualities, however. You're inspiring. And you're unattainable.

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I want to mature rapidly. To suddenly be old enough, distanced enough, to give up wanting.

I want to learn to live in my days rather than in my goals.

A friend said, "I do a lot of living in the future, too. It's not always a bad thing, you know."

"I know," I responded. (After all, you have to do some planning to have a career, academic or otherwise.)

"It's a hell of a lot better than my friends who live in the past. That's just sad. They're so unhappy."

"But there has to be some middle way?"

I want to build something inside of me, too. Some secure foundation from which to begin again. Is that a contradictory idea? To want to live in the now in order to better provide for the future?

~Linds