Frustration

vel's picture

Lets get this clear, I am a go getter. I pretty much see something I want and I go for it, I see something I think needs to be done and I do it. I'm ambitious. And it pisses me off and makes me so frustrated to be closeted to the majority of my peers. I mean, I can't stand up for myself when I want to, I can't say something I am really feeling, and what's worse, I can't just be silent - I have to lie! I have to say "yes, blah blah blah, I would like to see that [horrible aweful terrible unrealistic] movie.... yes I don't mind that [sexist demeaning sick] song that you wanted to listen to. Because if I disagree I would have to explain myself and I'm (insert mocking tone here) too afraid.

But this fear is what is driving me in my current ambitions. Everytime I don't go to a queer gathering because I am too afraid, and end up forcing myself to do something extremely hetero and not really my idea of an enjoyable activity, I get a new surge of bravery and another reason to be myself. Instead of being an unquestioning slave to fear, I am starting to fight back and use it to my advantage.

But it can be slow, difficult, and ... Scary ... work.

Comments

ebonyquill's picture

i understand.

It's a hard road to walk. But what it leads to is truely wonderful.