"hey, you fuckin' dyke, shut up!"

daydream believer's picture

so i have the WORST seat in freshman English class. i adore the class, i adore the teacher (he has a "straight but not narrow" sticker on his wall, extra bonus points for him), but the people i sit next to cancel all of that out.

"hey faggot, are you gay?"
"no, faggot, are YOU?"
"nope, just checkin'."

and i've told them how i feel, and i've said as much as i can without coming out to them. however, today was just the worst day in the class, ever. i started to cry during the merciful fire drill, and the student teacher almost took some pity on me, but decided not to. he's a good guy, really. he just has no spine or control over my class.

so the class comes back in from the field and i get calmed down. but at the end of class, they start yelling everything again. and i had to leave the room as soon as class ended. the GSA sponsor was in her room, so i went to her.

((mrs. wilson is a really cool woman. she gives chocolate to the kids who look like they need it, is a GREAT teacher, and actually cares about her students. she's such a wonderful sponsor for our GSA.))

she took me in her room and let me cry, and then told me to not give in and to be proud of who i am. but i'm not proud. i live in rural kentucky, and i was raised southern baptist. i'm not proud. for christ's sakes, i almost had sex with Chris (this guy i dated for 6 months) because i wasn't sure about myself. i'm not emotionally stable, and i'm sure as hell not proud of being queer. i can be all, "yeah, i'm a member of the GSA," but i know that my father will kick me out of the house if i come out.

more on that later.

Comments

Beryl's picture

Poor Baby.... *hugs*

I know, it sucks, but on oasis we love you! It sounds so horrible... makes me realize how easy I have it in mass. I'd give you a hug if you weren't so far away! E-mail me at lindagrant@net1plus.com or iam me at firefeather32 if you like, Id love to chat, and I have a lesbian friend who's moving to Kentucky at the end of the school year, so if you could tell me about it down there, we'd be much abliged. Is your name a Monkeys reference? I adore the monkeys! Im sorry you can't be proud, but I'll be proud for you! Your facing what you are, and thats the first step. How long it takes you to find the next step is up to you and your circumstances, its no race.

Scruffy the Vampire Slayer's picture

kinda relate

hey. you have it hard. i can kinda relate it's a bit like that in my school. I know i'm gay and i want to be proud but it's a huge step. good luck. i hope you sort yourself out a bit.
"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it" Buffy- The Gift

purplefish's picture

God, poor you, there's nothin

God, poor you, there's nothing i can say now that won't sound like a self help book, but hey things will get better. If you can't be proud of who you are be proud of others things; stuff you've done or believe, stuff that you want to do. Nothing I can say will make any difference to how you feel, but just trust me I know what it's like. All I can say is remember that nothing is permanent, I'd die if I didn't know there was a future. I hope things get better soon.

Craves_Blood's picture

Aww :(

I haven't really had an bad comments from people, at least to my face. Some kids on my bus will yell out "Lesbian" and bad shit, but I tell them to kiss my white ass. Lol..I'm from Hopkinsville (actually Crofton is my address), Kentucky.

.:Tasha:.