I have a Crush on my on my good Friend, I think

Caelo's picture

Well, heres a little background. I am 15 years old and attend an all boys catholic private high school. A while back I started to develop feelings for a good friend of mine, I think. I have read many of the articles out there for teens and I am not sure if it is just the phase that most teens go through at around this age. I have done a alot of thinking alone for hours on end, but I keep coming back the answer that I do have feelings for him and that I am gay. I could care less about what the student body thinks of me (my rep is ruined for another matter), but I do not want to get him shunned by everyone and put him in an embarassing position, or lose his friendship. Any suggestions on how I can be sure that this is not a phase, and what to do about it? I would greatly appreciate it, thanks everyone.

Comments

suffragettecity's picture

Exactly what kinds of "feelin

Exactly what kinds of "feelings" do you have for your friend? Having a weak romantic or even sexual attraction to a very close friend (as opposed to a full-on crush) doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. Some advice commonly given to people is to ask themselves the following questions:

1. When you fantasize sexually (i.e. when dreaming, daydreaming, masturbating, etc.), do you normally think about boys or girls (or both)?

2. Have you ever had a crush on a boy or man? Are the feelings you have for other guys real and clear, that is, you know you're attracted to a guy and don't just "think you might be" attracted to him because you put two and two together?

3. Normally, this question would be "Do you feel different from other guys?", but I'll make that one "optional" because feeling different because of your sexuality has more to do with parenting and acculturation than with the sexual orientation itself.

Especially today, when we're so preoccupied with creating labels for ourselves, our pubescent and subsequent teenage years can be very confusing times, so don't rush to label yourself yet. It's a sign of the times, I guess.

Another thing to consider is that according to the experts (I hate using that phrase), most people who are truly gay or bi have known it since they became sexually aware. Although I went through a long period of denial and didn't accept my sexuality until I was 17, I've know I was gay since I was 13 when I found out why I had been thinking about boys all the time since I'd hit puberty instead of thinking about girls.

Hope this helps,
E

Caelo's picture

An Update

Okay, I spent most of the day thinking about the questions. Here are my responses.

1. While dreaming and dayreaming, etc. I sometimes think about gurls and sometimes guys, but it is mostly towards guys. This morning I had a substitute teacher in class and he played some of his favorite songs while we ahd a study hall, whenever a love song came on, the first person who popped in my head was my friend, he was all I could think about during the songs.

2. I have never actually had a crush on anyone else, but since the beginning of this year I have notcied guys in a different way. With the friend I am taling about, not only do I find him attractice, I just love to spend time with him.

I have still spent a great amount of time thinking and looking through forums. I have seen the line example used once. At one end there are heterosexuals and at the other, homosexuals. I think that I fall in the middle, more towards homosexuals. I am still not sure what to do with my friend.

Thanks for the help, more (from anybody) would be appreciated.

Luke's picture

Hey!

I go to an all boys catholic high school in the midwest, and dear lord have I been in this boat! First, while it may be fine to come out at school, I would NOT suggest telling the guy that you like him. Unless, you are SURE that he's gay or bi. Even if he had no problem that you're gay, it's extremely likely that it would freak him out if his friend had a crush on him. Trust me, you'll get over it eventually. Enjoy it while it lasts, if you can. AIM me at any time you wish at roland12357. No worries:)
-Luke, Security Advisor to the People who Are Taking Down Big Chocaolate

suffragettecity's picture

reply

Are you referring to the Kinsey Scale? From what you've written, it sounds like you might be bisexual (maybe Kinsey 4?), but I don't know you so don't take that to heart.

I do agree with Luke that you should keep things under wraps as far as your friend is concerned until you're certain he's gay or bi. When you have a crush on a guy, it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you're "in love" with him and that he's gay/bi as well. On the other hand, you may just get lucky, who knows? :)

jeff's picture

This is not one step...

OK, whether you are gay, bi, questioning, etc., etc., all really the same at this point. everyone's in a big rush to jump from one label to another, but really, you'll figure it out eventually. What's the rush? I mean, straight is almost definitely off the list, so let's move on. Straight people don't wonder whether they ar attracted to the same sex typically, so gay/bi/whatever, it will work itself out.

For now, you're gay or bi or whatever term ya like, so let's move ahead with that...

Coming out to your friend. Coming out to the student body. And telling him you like him. These are three very distinct things. Now, sure, you can tell him you like him, he freaks out, and tells the student body you're gay, but that is an extreme case.

So, let's break this down.

There is no reason you need to go from closeted to openly gay to every single person on campus.

Unless he is openly gay, then I don't think saying you like him is an option. These things have to progress in a natural order. It is a lot to handle finding out that a good friend is both gay AND hot for you in the same breath.

So, first, you can come out to him as gay/bi/whatever. i realize everyone wants the dream setting where you say "I'm gay," he says "I'm gay," and you end up naked and boyfriends forever. Whilest I hate to deflate people's dreams, there is very little chance of this scenario playing out, which is why it is so prevalent in some of the erotica you may find online. People write this scenario because it is what they wish had happened, but didn't.

Once he knows you're gay, then he can absorb that and deal with it. Depending on your friendship, this will probably lead to discussions about how you know, relationships, etc. Also, if he *is* feeling the same, then obviously, the ball is in his court, because he knows you would accept him being gay/bi, if you are.

Again, none of this stuff has to do with your crush or sexual interest yet. Jumping right to that is the closest way of ensuring it will never ever play out (even though odds are it won't anyway).

In conversation, when he asks you what kind of guy you're looking for, be honest. Describe him. Don't say, "Someone like you, who's gay," but just the characteristics he has, etc., etc. Basically, if he is gay, and closeted, make it the most obvious thing for ths closeted idiot that you would totally be into him.

Straight people, and guys in general, are often clueless about people who are interested in them, so you can all but draw a picture of him and if he's straight, he'll be fine, since in his mind, he knows he's off the list anyway. If he's gay and freaked out, he'll need time. If he's gay and connects the dots, you might have a very, VERY pleasant night.

Beyond that, let's assume that he is a true friend, in which case coming out to him will be kept a secret.

So, what are you really risking?

If he's a true friend, and you come out to him, you have three high-level options, he is:

- straight, cool with you being gay
- gay/bi/etc, not interested in a relationship
- gay/bi/etc, interested in a relationship

Either way, you are better off than you are now, even if there is no relationship, because you have a friend who you can talk to about this.

And relationships? They happen or don't. Any planning on your part for that is just fantasy. And sometimes fun fantasies, but they may stay there.

So, one step at a time. Coming out is the first step.

Jeff