I feel like I'm burning up and my head is aching like it's about to split apart... getting sick, or just plain exhausted? Or maybe just a million thoughts fighting to escape and not finding any outlet.
I was reading Oasis blogs with her tonight, with my only friend that doesn't live far far away. The only person who knows I'm gay that doesn't live far far away. And one of the entries struck a chord with her: Heart-eating monsters, and "I guess now I know... I'll never be who you want, nor who you need..."
And I know she's hurting, and I hurt for her too, but it's not my fault, dammit. I didn't ask her to like me. And it's just a fact; she can't give me what I want or need in a girlfriend; she'll never be more than a friend. A good friend maybe, but just a friend. I wish she could accept that, and accept what she knows already anyway, that I can't be what she wants either.
How has my life become a soap opera in such a short time? Oh, not my whole life; most of it plods on in it's usual less-than-interesting fashion. Just the part that matters to me right now. This isn't exactly what I envsioned when I came out to her less than two weeks ago. It's wonderful to have a friend who knows and accepts me for who I am. But I didn't know she'd come out too. I didn't know she'd admit it anyways. I didn't know how she'd feel. And I don't how to deal with it, deal with something that's always there, an unspoken undercurrent to everything we do.
Ever since I started questioning, I always wondered where the lines were between friendship and romance. Now I have to draw them. Stand on one side and say "this cannot be."
My head is still spinning. Advil and bed are the best things for me right now, I think.