It's a Bittersweet Symphony... that's life

jeff's picture

So, i guess now that I have that other site going, this site is going to become more randomness... as writing diaries and stuff go there. Here, I'll just talk more about my life. Not too much, of course. Gotta keep the mystery alive.

Just got back from a Melissa Ferrick concert at a small club near my apartment, which is quite the experience if you haven't been yet (a Meliisa Ferrick concert, that is, not my apartment. Then again...). Anyway, I always enjoy her concerts, but for some reason never buy her albums for in-between. Unlike Ani, whereby I have all of her CDs that I rarely listen to and then see her in concert.

Anyway, I went to the concert with two friends, and the boyfriend of one of my friends. This friend is one of the friends I've always wanted to sleep with (to not sound totally crass, I initially wanted to date him, marry him, all that drama, but then realized that wouldn't really work. We work best as friends. So, it was more of a residual sexual interest that for some reason didn't burn off with the rest of the feelings. For some reason = I stayed overweight, reclusive, and you stick with what you know, since you're not out learning anything new.)

Those of you who have been kept tabs on this stuff, read essays I may have written before, etc., etc., then you can piece this name jumble together. It's really not the point, though. Hello?! This is a diary. It's all about me!!

So, other friend bails on the show halfway in (we had been standing for three hours at that point), so now it's just me, the friend who I wanted to sleep with at one point, and his boyfriend.

In front of me, they are acting like a newly-minted couple should. Very touchy, loving, a way I know I'd never have been with him. Well, it's certainly not who I would be with him now. And the past is rather fixed, so let's just call that window closed.

So, there was a bit of irony when Ferrick plays Ani's "Untouchable Face," and I'm standing behind the guy I once had very strong romantic feelings for as he cradles his new boyfriend in his arms.

I could make you happy, you know, if you weren't already...

But, instead of bitterness, it was all just kind of release. Actually, that is putting too much weight to it. I think it was a kind of point where things just click and you realize you are in a different place than you were before. No weight was lifted. It was more the realization that any perceived weight was no longer there...

So, during "Untouchable Face," I just kind of smiled in the irony of it all.

Who am I, that I should be vying for your touch...

Now, some of you might be thinking that my feelings are tempered because he's unavailable at present. But history is clear that when he was with people before, that wasn't my thinking.

So...umm, he'll read this, and I know that, so I'm censoring, but I'm going to try not to now. When I saw them together, bouncing together to the music, grinding, and kissing, and always making sure they were in some sort of contact with each other, it was recognizing that that isn't our relationship. Or ever was our relationship. Or should be our relationship. That part is burned off. I don't want that with him anymore, and that quickly gave way to being so happy to see him happy with someone in that way.

It's a beautiful thing to see one of your best friends shine. To see how they glow when they are in love. He's probably been like this before, but I think I wasn't in a place to appreciate it then. Tonight, I was, and it was a great experience to behold.

So, while they are staring into each other's eyes, and hugging, etc., instead of putting myself in the place of his new boyfriend, and wanting to be in that position. I was one level further back. I just thought it was time I was in the position of being part of a couple, and standing with the as-yet-unidentified person I'm dating, and being next to my friend who is also in love with his boyfriend, just enjoying a concert together.

Sounds like something I'd like to do. Maybe even soon...

I can make me happy, y'know

Getting closer already

I need to do a lot of things..

and I will...

Peace,

Jeff

Comments

artistravenskull's picture

Intense

Wow! That was intense. I don't know if you actually meant it to be that way, but it was. You identified the right concept though, at that concert, and it's great that you didn't go into one of those "I'm so jealous" moods many people would get into in your position. Keep up the cool!

michael1111ca's picture

awesome post

that's awesome. those private revelation moments are cool.