so, this is my reason for existing at 348 on a sunday morning.

kadienblues's picture

i used to think i hated myself. but i dont. i dont hate me. nor do i hate what im becoming. or who im becoming. i dont. really and truly. this is after a length conversation with schizofriend. i thought i hated me all this time. i dont though. i hate the things in this world i cant escape that tie me down. i hate missing tommy. i hate lying. i hate not being signed. i hate school. i hate being sick. i hate my friends. i hate hating some of my friends. i hate my guitar playing. i hate my piano playing. i hate my lyrics. i hate my songs. i hate the fact that i hate my passion. but the fact that i recognize i dont hate me is a great step in all the right directions. i dont hate being gay. i hate how the world responds. i dont hate me though. as a person, im almost complete. good for me. i work hard at that. and damn well i should. i dont care that im alone, i dont need someone romantically. after all, im not alone by standards of friends or family. which fucking kicks ass. heathre! juju! jen! jess! only people i need. and schizo doesnt need anybody. hes so alone. and not to mention, hes never gonna know how to need someone when he wants to-hes too alone. i feel so sorry for him. and i have so much to give. everyone should need me. and yeah i wish to be that hot muscled straight footballer who has no emotional depth or great major plan in the world. and that wouldnt suck. but i dont suck for wishing it. im not evil. thats what it is. im not wrong for wanting more than i am. im not wrong. i want more than i am for me. and i want it for everybody. i just want them to need me as well. and i accept my faults, unlike many. tanner once said "so im a flake, i am, is this what you expect from me?" hes right. i get that im a flake. and i accept that im a disappointment but i wont hate myself for being the less than someone else wanting me to be. im so busy trynna right myself to existance to prove myself worthy. well, i am worthy. more so worthy than people who never try to make themselves better human beings, never mind worth of other people. see i tried to make myself better. and the whole world didnt take notice. and thats actually not shitty right now. it just makes me a misunderstood artist. and my music, full band, premeres friday, and i could not be happier by any means whatsoever. nervous, yes. in ecstacy? absolutely. the universe, the goddess, has given me this talent, this option, this chance at something great. my music, and yeah, it bothers me its not perfect yet. but its my chance to learn how not to hate it. and i might not be making sense, but i accept that. "im a flake i am." and everything i let him and him and him and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and him and her and her and him and her and him and her and her and her and him do to me all lead me to this point. yes, transcribing sheetmusic is shit, but its me making my millions. thank you mommy for being mommy. tommy-thanks for the bitterness and ability to write these songs. enjoy hell. you taught me how to make your handbasket. sean-thanks for showing me i wasnt ready for a new relationship, and for as old as i am, im still a kid and i need to just be alone for a while. and thanks to emily-youre shit. its that simple. you are shit. and you will never be more than shit because you refuse to see that you are less than anyone else. you are not perfect. accept your humanity. just do it. thank you aldo-if it werent for you, id never have become that awful person i was. and if you never told me, your best friend, you hated me and wished youd never see me again, id never have become a better person. and thank you especially mike-you remind me of what i could have become had i stopped feeling emotion. good to know im better off than someone. and thank you skanky mike-you showed me there was lower than the bottom of the barrel. i appreciate you more than youll ever know dad-you just make me angry, bitter, and more desperate to find happiness than anyone in this world. and thank you heathre for being heathre-your just everything a best friend could want. and juju-sister of the gods. id be lost without you forever. jess-whatever girl. lol. sometimes we talk. sometimes we dont. who knows. jen-just never stop being my morals. id probably summon something evil and kill someone. one of the earlier listed, except sean. i was serious about him being positive. thank you isa for reminding my paranoia about my friends hating me isnt always paranoia. and a deep appreciation to stiv for being free and open and a total slut-lol. not literally, just all humping me in the mall-lol. thank you to katie surina for not talking to me anymore, reminds me people drift away. and carrie...well...sweetie...you just need to stop watching so much "if we're all happy straight christians, the world is a happy safe, straight, christian place" channel. try mtv. or porn. or something. katelynn...for being almost as emotionally detatched as mike-thanks. to myke n-for showing me that i can be cared for, even though i have you blocked right now cause youre being a little too intense for me. thank you jonathan larson for making me believe that this world is worth it. thank you sarah mclachlan for the amazing voice you have given me. and tori amos for your possession. and duncan sheik and john mayer and fiona apple and ani difranco, and howie day and mandalay and gin blossoms and beth orton and lifehouse and everyone. ever. just simply put. thank you to anything that has ever touched me. without you, i couldnt be so......so..........so............so...... inspired. and oh so me. and i couldnt be the everything and nothing and something inbetween i am. this isnt ego tripping. this is me at 342 remembering how it feels to write musings about my faith god, why we're here and tonight, only this time, ill let myself think about me. cause i usually just sit sad and cant get over the pain. but tonight, the pain is just sorta background. and to think. this all came out of mike telling me that if i disliked myself as much as i say i do, id change by now. thank you mike. now i just realize its assanine comments like that that just makes it all fall away and makes it all so clear. kadienblues. five days. and my life begins for the first time the way it should have. like never before. tommy, eat your fucking heart out. and mike, must suck to see someone else have an answer or two, and your all power be defied. sorry homie. fucking sucks to be you. and anyone who made it through this blog entry, welcome to my head at 346 on a sunday morning when i was tired of crying. never again. at least not over this. heathre, juju, jen, jess, and mommy, you fuckin rock. everyone else...take notes. those are five people who will change everything. but dont count yourselves out of changing everything. you still affected me. and when my disk hits, youll all be represented. cause i am a little piece of everyone. you all just sorta fell into me along the way. and thanks. i needed that.

Comments

Scruffy the Vampire Slayer's picture

that was beautiful

that was beautiful. it hope it feels better to have all that splashed out in bloggish form.
"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it" Buffy- The Gift

alice's picture

Realtiy

It's amazing how you have mangaged to put your life into perspective and think positively about all the people how they relate to you and what you think about eachother. You have inspired me to do the same.
Thanks for showing me that some of these things happen to other people as well and that by thinking about things differently can makethings better.