Martha Screwart's Guide to Planning Your First Orgy

JB's picture

Martha Screwart's Guide to Planning Your First Orgy

Are you paying too much for sex? Tired of the marriage game? Put some zest back into your life by hosting an orgy. Make it even better and plan it for the summer months when nudity in the outdoors will be more comfortable for your guests. Follow these simple tips from Martha Screwart for a successful summer bash!

1. Your dining room table may be used as a place for "coupling." Lovely chintz condoms can be easily made to match or contrast with your drapes. Not only practical, they can easily be lined with latex (we must, after all, practice safe sex), and no one ever need know how well protected you are. They look especially nice contained in a Waterford crystal salad bowl left in sight on the buffet. Don't forget to freshen the bowl throughout the day.

2. A swimming pool with spa is a wonderful place for your guests to "play." Make sure the water is heated to at least 90 degrees so as not to embarrass the male guests. Your gay chums will appreciate you all the more if you add a few drops of lavender coloring to the water.

3. Make sure that you have plenty of crystal bowls of Viagra, Milk of Magnesia, and Correctol set about in easy reach of your guests. Don't forget the Ex-Lax candy bars for those who feel the need to move. These can be exquisitely wrapped in tiny colored foil squares tied with matching silk ribbon, and they make lovely party favors too.

4. It would be wise to ascertain for yourself that gentlemen are not wearing condoms that clamp or have sharp edges, as these can be a source of discomfort for your female guests.

5. As most of the women will be of menopausal or later age, it would be thoughtful to provide water-based lubricants. KY jelly mixed with strawberry jam is practical, attractive and tasty as well. Use the strawberries that you have been growing in your own hand-made strawberry jars for this purpose. Your guests will thank you for it.

6. Nothing can ruin an outdoor party faster than sunburn and insect bites, especially for tender, rarely exposed skin. A good sunscreen blended with a small amount of Skin So Soft will help protect those sensitive areas from the elements. Hiring several lap dancers from your local men's club to apply it to your guests will be well worth the extra money spent, as their presence and expertise will ensure that sunburn and bites will be kept to a minimum. If expense is a problem, grandmothers, mothers, sisters and girlfriends can be enlisted to help.

7. Food for dining should be kept separate from the activities areas so as not to be confused with any foods that may be used in the process of fornication. This is
especially important for any dishes containing cream or hollendaise sauces.

8. A recording of "Bolero" may be broadcast repeatedly throughout the area to provide background music as well as to assist those who are rhythmically challenged. For those who are a little more adventurous, it is perfectly acceptable to subsitute "Mule Train" for "Bolero."

9. Some of your guests may wish to spend the night, in which case they will thank you the next morning if you leave several tubes of Ben Gay in the bedrooms. After all, many of your guests will be using muscles they haven't used in years, and we all know how painful that can be.

10. Thoughtful parting gifts for your guests are framed photographs of themselves participating in the activities. If you are short on camera skills, most photographers would jump at the chance to "shoot" your orgy, and many will give you a greatly reduced rate if you allow them to take part in the activities as well.

Enjoy your first orgy, and may you have many more in the years to come. Just remember to keep it simple, keep it safe, and keep it fun!

suffragettecity's picture

There's a very good chance yo

There's a very good chance your guests will want to use dildoes. I always find that the best dildo is the prettiest one - be sure to liberally apply the most vividly colored water-based paints to your dildoes, like I did with this one, which is painted to look like a Faberge egg mounted on a 6" stalk.

eTgen's picture

Also

Remember to also create decorative invitations. Like the one that JB hasn't sent me. But that's all right for no doubt it has been lost in the mail. Same with the plane ticket. But I forgive you JB- because I know that they will come.

latterz,

eTgen
---
CEO, President, Founder, and First member of:

The Movement To Free Ommpa loompa Land From The Tyrannical Rule Of The Evil Capitalsitic Despot Willy Wonka And Associates

[TMTFOLLFTTROTECDWWAA]

JB's picture

:)

Etgen My Pretty,

You do not need an invite to the Orgy. YOu have a standing Invite to all JB Functions. And as per the plane ticket? I was going to Hire Jennie and have her Blink you here.

:)

JB
Vice President and Drug Tzar of The Movement To Free Ommpa loompa Land From The Tyrannical Rule Of The Evil Capitalsitic Despot Willy Wonka And Associates