me=idiot. 6mos yesterday and i IM tommy. but maybe not so dumb

kadienblues's picture

Yesterday=six months, and yet, I choose to IM him. I don't know what came over me, and I believe he immediately deleted the IMs, due to the horrific nature of the situation when we last spoke. But i apoligized for threatening to out him to his parents. Like a mature adult. Though, to be honest, if I were a balanced adult, I never would have IMed him to begin with. And do I expect a reply? Not at all. Do I want a reply? Maybe. Just so I can say "Thanks for being just as mature and adult about this as I tried to be. Knowing you was a head trip knowing you, and have a great life. Talk to you in hell. Bye now." But, yet, I don't think that'll be happening. Because I don't feel I'll be getting a response. I simply thanked him for accepting the IMs, giving me closure, and that was it. I was simply happy for it. Never need to speak to him again, and to be honest, I don't want to. Never ever need to hear that voice again. It wouldn't kill me and my unborns or anything, but still. I'll be fine. I'm going to go and write that damn song I planned on writing last night, but wound up reworking "Musings." I just feel like I can move on now. A good helping of closure and I can now move on. IMed him and lived to tell the tale. Just 20 simple minutes into the postmortem, and I'm fine. And I should be. I earned it. First love made me go ::shatter:: and now I get to move on with the pieces. I don't know how long it will last, but hopefully, a while. When discussing him the other day to Jessm, I said "I still miss him" and she said "No, you just miss what he was, not him. He made you crazy and miserable. You never liked him." I guess, just like he never liked my gods anyway, his jesus just wouldn't fit me either.
-Nic.