Sigh........what does it matter anymore?

jcarnby's picture

I was in an awful mood yesterday. I just keep hearing people use the word gay as something negative (at least six times a day) and I hear people in my classes talk about homosexuals. "if my son was gay, I'd kill him, I don't want no fucking homo in my life. Messed up fags. I'd tell him to go make pastries with his mom because he would obviously have more in common with her."

I'm just so sick of all this bullshit that comes up everyday. We are all minorities here hated for who we are. I just don't see the point in fighting this anymore. I feel bad about 40 percent of the time now. That's a little under twelve hours a day, maybe ten or so. My grades are going down, my parents think I need to go to a shrink. I'm losing it and I'm beyond help now. I'm afraid that one of these days, if I'm still alive, I'll end up in an asylum because I'll have some kind of nervous breakdown.

So many people belive that true love doesn't really exist anymore, and I tend to agree with them. I'm sick of the damned hormones in my brain making me want a relationship and all that crap. I'm thinking about finding a way to have part of my brain removed, there has to be a way. One of these days I'll be a walking breathing machine that doesn't have any emotional feelings anymore, people will want to stay away from me because i'm so messed up.

I'm going to stop talking now, I don't know what else to say. I feel a little better now that I've ranted. Thanks for listening, have a great day.



jeff's picture

OK, but...

You need to come up with a goal, so that you have something to look forward to, and notlike when I have a boyfriend bullshit. Something tangible, like getting the hell out of Dodge. When will you be at a college away from where you grew up. When can you live somewhere more tolerant. Start your new life. Plan it out, down to how much money it would cost to move somewhere, etc., etc.

It would help keep the day to day shit in perspective.

And unless it is some shrink that believes in conversion therapy, it doesn't mean that you should only see one if you're messed up. Might be good to just vent and have a place to do that. In addition to here, that is.

Or just write a novel. I'm certainly saving myself years of therapy writing this thing. :-)

I am Willy Wonka.

suffragettecity's picture

I agree with Jeff - the best

I agree with Jeff - the best thing for you to do right now is just wait until you graduate and leave whatever shitty town you live in. I lived in a town like that as well, and I HATED it there, but since leaving, I've generally felt a lot better and had a nicer outlook on life.

Until you can leave, do like Jeff said and write a novel, start a band, or whatever. Believe me, it helps :)

eTgen's picture


I suggest you read Man's Search for Meaning, by existential psychiatrist Viktor Frankl .

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." Nietzsche


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Tiki's picture


that's what i did. planned my escape. :) and i went far far away and i'm not in a perfect place and there are still homophobic assholes, but 99% of the time i can kick their asses now (verbally of course - i'm tiki the pipsqueak) and the cool shit i've sorted out for myself to be doing takes my mind of the 1% when i hate everyone. :D

Dreaming of the Blue Hawaiian Diner...