Time warp? I think so....

kadienblues's picture

So yeah. Aldo's party. Freaky. At Aldo's. And Vinnie was there. Which was all weirdness. And not that I ever actually had a thing with him. Just liked him bunches. In that he was the perfect gay boi kind of way. So strange. And then I saw Margret Cho. All of this after seeing Uncle Tommy. The only non freshman year time warpitygoodness was the notorious CHO. Well, the Revolutions tour. It was fun. But today was so odd. I feel the need to cry and celebrate my humanness at the same time. I don't get it. It's weird. I have all of these emotions. And I don't feel like breaking down dead. I sorta wish I did though. It'd be easier. I feel so in between it all. Like, survey-ey. And I still haven't seen Steve to ask him out. Wish I had. Cause I would've. I want to. I have the nerve right now, but I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it. So gonna lose it. I always lose my backbone. Just when it counts. I back down. It's so much easier to just let go and quit and take the dive. Fighting the crowd is so hard. I can't handle it. But there's so something in me I can't help. I am compulsed to fight it all. I've got too much shit to say to shut up. Always have. Always will. That's where the songs come in. They always spring up. I can't help them. All of the sirens just pour out. And they wind up extensions of my subconscious. And I should so be doing Gatsby questions. But I can't. And I think Jen either hung up on me, or got disconnected, or phone died, and now I'm trynna call Heathre, granted at 2:00 A.M. but still. Just sorta need to talk to her. She always makes the everything go away. She's never failed at it. Except with Tommy. He had powers beyond hers. She wasn't weaker. I was just in love. And that's dangerous. Oh-so-dangerous. Orange singing. Yellow blowing. I don't know where this is going. I'll try to be poetic, and I'll try to make sense, but I can't promise that any of this will be even slightly intense. Badly rhyming throughout this post, it make some of the pain go away, and none of this is supposed to make me feel better, just supposed to get me through the day. I think I'm done with that. I just feel the need to get out a long post. It's the end of the day and the beginning of another. And I don't know, but I certainly don't feel like anything is over. I'm just all sitting alone. The alone thing sucks. Not the alone via relationship thing, just alone. I don't nessicarily want to be Steve's boifriend. Just want to see if it'll work and then take it from there. And I've liked him forever. I just don't want to fuck it up. Don't want to fuck it up and wait too long. I'd hate me for that. I'd resent a lot for that. I often resent everything anyway. Wouldn't change much. See, this is much more down than I knew I was. I didn't see this coming. But, alas, he it is. It has come. And I don't know what's bothering me so much. I DON'T KNOW. There's this echoing in my soul dying to try to figure out this place, to figure out if there's worse, or maybe something better, like the depths of the universe. Also, I don't think I should go to Surf N Skate tomorrow. Aldo doesn't have a ticket, so now the only person depending on me is Heathre, and her being my goddess, she'll understand. I hope. I have so much more English work I can get done. AHH. Oh well. And I was listening to "Stanley Climbfall" by Lifehouse, I just decided to listen to CRAM in the background. What a sick game show. It's sick. Wow. People need sleep. But I love it. Oh well. Goes along with the VooDon't. For those who don't know what the VooDon't is, the VooDon't is when you miss someone even though they made you miserable. They made you hate yourself, but now you miss them. That shit is the VooDon't. Also, digging on the Half Full In A Paper Cup. The half full is when you are living for anything. Even if it's just the negativity. Even if it's just the ungood in your life. That's all that matters. Which is all diggable. Which is sorta fun. But not really if you've been there. Guess I might as well album run. Don't Forget To Call Me. To the assshits who get this, I don't get it myself, I wrote it you morons. I don't get it and I freakin wrote it. You Never Liked My Gods Anyway is all about Aldo. And fighting that feeling he gave me when he pretty much told me he wanted me dead all those. There was one not about Tommy if you can handle that one. James. Sleep Away The Ink. Happylike. unHuman Thing is actually not true. And while it started out as not a happy song, it's become one. Which kicks ass. My New Faith, directly about Tommy, no confusing it whatsoever. And Ever Written. Just about living. And thinking. And being. Metaphorica: Even The Stars Have Scars is all about, not Tommy. Which I enjoy. It's just a standard hurt song. Die is all about losing your faith. But now it's about losing your faith in humanity. Go At That, originally from an episode of Any Day Now, or at least, inspired thereby, was rewritten last night. Now it's about any break-up I've ever had. Keraunophobia was written in a forever ago, but is now a now. Which is pretty cool. Well, not a now. Now it's a few months ago. To What About You. Taken right from conversations with him. Supernova. If you've heard me speak, you get it. And if not. Fuck you. You're shit. Oxygen is just the world. Everything in it and about it. And that's all she wrote. Or at least I've wrote yet. I need to masturbate. Badly. Well, not so badly. I really just want to hold Steve's hand. But it's taking too long enough. AHHHHH. I think this is an impossibly long post, but I don't feel done. Mike was fun. Chrix was fun. Aldo seemed genuinly happy to see me. Queer. Vinnie knew my name. Ha. What I would have done for that in the ninth grade. And how it simply doesn't affect me now, except in the way that it doesn't affect me. I strangely have decided not to go to Surf N Skate. I hope Heathre isn't mad at me. I know I am. I quit. I quit. I quit. I quit. I quit. I quit. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Just so done.


jeff's picture


I love reading your posts, but... the return key is your friend, really! Please?! :-)

I am Willy Wonka.

JB's picture


congrats, I too love reading yer posts! holy run on sentence batman! but wicked all the same

*said in a positive manner and not to be constrewed as negative feedback, sorry for any miscommunication or misunderstanding beforehand, thank you and have a nice day, said with empathy for my fellow Oasians*