As I sit here.....

Spirit1313's picture

Typing for lack of a better way to distance myself from my family, I cant help but think I am lost. I am lost in a place I have never been before, and all the faces are the looks of strangers.
For a while I thought I was happy. I thought I finally had control of my life. I was kidding myself. And I have been kidding myself all along. Because I am not who I thought I was.
Damn. I know how fucking lame this sounds and ridiculously stupid I must appear, but if I dont get this whole rant out in some form or another I may just resort to one my oldest and ugliest habits that never seems to resolve anything. That is an entertaining run-on sentence.
I can no longer deal with my mother. She is just a stress that makes me hurt more than anything. My father I dont even know anymore and I am not sure I ever really did know him. My sister is going away to college in three months or so, just when I was finally getting along with her and my brother, well he just seems to outright hate me most of the time. And I am lost.
I feel cornered in my house. A place that once seemed to me, the only place where I could be me, is full of more judgement than I could have ever imagined. And for what? Where does the judgement get us? It doesnt make us happy, and it sure as hell doesnt make anyone person in this household stronger than the next.
Maybe I am just seeing things backwards. A perfect family frolicking in a meadow, picking wild flowers, on a perfect sunny day. Reality? Hell no. An image, candy coated and sold to the highest bidder. Do I hear priceless?

Comments

Beryl's picture

awww...

hun, I sorry. *Hugs* The offers still up to come get you in Scott's little yellow car.

~B

Spirit1313's picture

::smiles::

Thats a cute image to think about....
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

hehe,

especially seeing as I don't think I still fit in the little yellow car....

~B

Spirit1313's picture

Tehehehe

It would still be wicked cute...
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

*blush*

*grin*

Beryl's picture

oh, and by the way...

You don't look stupid, hun.

~B

Spirit1313's picture

Yes

Yes I do. I should be happy that I have a home and I can go to school, have clothes to wear and food to eat (or not eat in this case) but instead I am focusing on the bad shit that goes on. I know I should appreciate everything that I have. To some extent I do. Yet I dunno....Everything is just ganging up on me right now....
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

I used to guilt trip

about that too, but the way I figure it, just because other people have it worse, doesn't mean there aren't bad things here too. I mean, the starving and wretched have it worse than us, but it doesn't make your mum bringing you down any less painfull, and it doesn't make my dad any less of an ass. It still stinks, it still shapes who we are, and we still have to deal with it.

~B

Spirit1313's picture

I know....

and on the positive side, I believe that the shit we go through that make life tough as hell for us, makes us that much stronger in the end. So the way I see it, you and I are as tough as fucking nails!
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

haha,

Damn right! *growls* *ponders* Nails must have sucky childhoods, then....

~B

Spirit1313's picture

Tehehehehe.....

::meows all fiercely:: Uh no sucky childhoods...poor nails...poor us...I think that we need...Chai!!! Lol...
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

Oh no!

the madness is crossing blog borders, what shall we do!! ahh!!! *runs aroud in circles in horror, giggling madly*

Spirit1313's picture

Lol....

::curls up in a ball.....again::
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

well

thats no fun... *tickle tickle*

Spirit1313's picture

Tehehehe....

::giggles and uncurls::
~Lisa Faery~