Typing for lack of a better way to distance myself from my family, I cant help but think I am lost. I am lost in a place I have never been before, and all the faces are the looks of strangers.
For a while I thought I was happy. I thought I finally had control of my life. I was kidding myself. And I have been kidding myself all along. Because I am not who I thought I was.
Damn. I know how fucking lame this sounds and ridiculously stupid I must appear, but if I dont get this whole rant out in some form or another I may just resort to one my oldest and ugliest habits that never seems to resolve anything. That is an entertaining run-on sentence.
I can no longer deal with my mother. She is just a stress that makes me hurt more than anything. My father I dont even know anymore and I am not sure I ever really did know him. My sister is going away to college in three months or so, just when I was finally getting along with her and my brother, well he just seems to outright hate me most of the time. And I am lost.
I feel cornered in my house. A place that once seemed to me, the only place where I could be me, is full of more judgement than I could have ever imagined. And for what? Where does the judgement get us? It doesnt make us happy, and it sure as hell doesnt make anyone person in this household stronger than the next.
Maybe I am just seeing things backwards. A perfect family frolicking in a meadow, picking wild flowers, on a perfect sunny day. Reality? Hell no. An image, candy coated and sold to the highest bidder. Do I hear priceless?