You know, the one where you are sitting with "friends" and you suddenly come to the realization that you are on the outside looking in? That feeling. Like I was watching a movie and somehow my character looked far too out of place. I didn't belong there. I am not quite sure why I got that feeling today. I wanted to be there, I wanted to talk with them, laugh and what not. Yet when I was there, physically sitting there, I felt not wanted. I knew that before I got there, they were fine without my presence, no one was even thinking about me. So why should my appearance among them matter, when I was in fact there? The answer is: it didn't matter. Whether I had been there or not, it didn't matter. I do not matter. I never have, never will. And thats just the way it is.
Anways, I am writing a new story...woo hoo(sarcastic)...I have a funny habit or something similar to a habit. I get these sudden needs to write. I won't write for a week or two and all of a sudden I have to. You can tell when this happens. While in the process of writing I constantly have a pen in my mouth because I am constantly thinking through the plot and thinking about what to write next in the story. Its quite amusing. My friend Mistie made fun of me this morning for walking down the sidewalk, not paying attention to anyone, with a pen hanging out of my mouth and muttering. ::shrugs:: I guess thats just the way I am.
My ex hugged me today. Why, I am not sure. I had a book in my arms, a rather large one, at the time and couldn't hug him back. But then again I am fairly sure that I wouldn't have hugged him back even if I could have. He told me yesterday that he loves me just as much as before. Why? What did he think I was going to say? I hope he doesn't think I have any intentions of getting back together with him because that is by far the last thing I ever intend to do. What did he think he would gain from telling me that? Because thats one of the things that pushed me away. We dated for a month and a half. Not even, considering we hung out like four times within that time period. And within that time, he proclaimed his love for me numerous times, why? How? We barely knew each other. It was one stress that I got rid of. I was far too unhappy to continue with that relationship.
Well I suppose thats enough babble for today. I just felt so out of place all of a sudden that I had to write it. This weekend has become so thoroughly depressing that it matches my even more depressing life. So I suppose I will go submerse myself in books, writing and loud music, until I become a recluse. Seems like the only thing left to do...