I don't know what to think about me and Heather. I am thinking its not entirely that serious because I haven't talked to her since last saturday. I am fully unsure also because some of her actions send mixed signals to me. Maybe I am just an idiot...
In other news: Uh, I'm lonely. Lol. My ex wants to hang out tomorrow night. I don't know what to think about that one. Cause he seems to want to get back together. I don't know how to handle that. Since I don't know whats going on with Heather, I don't know what to say to Chris. AAAAHHHH. My head hurts.
When I am in my house, I feel lost and in a way claustrophobic. Like the walls are going to close in at any moment and I will never get out. I pace the length of my room over and over again listening to my cds and rearranging all of my stuff. I can't sit still for any length of time. I get up and walk from room to room, not knowing what to do or what is driving me to be so restless. So I go outside. The moment I walk outside and breathe deeply and things finely seem better. There are no walls to close me in, encage me with whatever is forcing me to pace the rooms. I can look up and see the endless sky, watch the clouds coast through the air. I can touch the trees and the grass, pick flowers. Nothing can yell at me, block me into one place. I can listen to birds, ponder what they are saying. I can walk barefoot and let the grass tickle the bottom of my feet. Outside there are no restrictions on me, no time limits, no deadlines. I can breathe, I can be, and I can blend and melt in to my surroundings.
I found the perfect place at my dad's house. There is a line of maybe five small boulders underneath some trees right on the outside of the woods. There is a rounded boulder I found nestled under low branches and I can sit there and be partially hidden from everyone. I am on the edge of the woods, nature, life. I am on the edge of civilization, family, and machine. I can be in the middle. Amongst both worlds at the same time. The side that encages me and makes me restless. The opposite side that sets me free and lets be just live. Its an amazing place to be and watch everything around me. Too bad I found it just tonight and I don't go back for a week. Damn divorce settlement.