Stuck between my mother and an awkward place...

Spirit1313's picture

Yup. That describes it perfectly. Unfortunately.

Lynn isnt here, Lynn hasnt called all day, in fact no one knows where Lynn is. Nuff said? You'd think so but you see, I am much more complicated than that. Fun fun fun. Well now I have no idea what to do. Do I comfort my mother? Do I lapse back into the friend/daughter role? Or do I stand my ground as daughter and thats all? Not risk my emotions all over again? Do I lapse just to be thrown back??????

"Every time it nearly kills me, shatters who I have become in that time period. And yet somehow I forget that stage. Every time I am wary, but without consciously knowing it, I manage to give in. I become trapped in feeling needed, wanted, and depended upon. Its a close connection I yearn to have. And when I get the chance I jump for it and greedily drown in it. Technically I shouldnt but I take it, give in to that need knowing fully that I'm the one who will end up crushed in the end. It will be my shattered, bleeding heart scattered across the floor. It always is."

That entry came out of my journal. Otherwise known as "THE" notebook. I wrote that last night. I was having a very rough time. There were a lot of bad habits that were nagging at my brain and begging me to give in. However, somehow, I managed not to give in. Although I didnt sleep either. Oh well. I guess we all have those moments and we deal with them the best way we can and to the best of our ability.

"I let it happen because somehow in my mind it makes up for the years we werent even in any form of a mother/daughter relationship. Its like for some time she is actually trying to make a connection with me, no matter how long or how small it is. The question is: Is the connection suppose to burn me in the end?"

The P.S. I wrote at the bottom of my journal entry. I love how I have it all figured out yet it still hurts like hell. I think the fact that I know what I am doing and why just adds to the whole thing. Its like there is a bright yellow sign screaming out that its my fault. I am locked in a prison that I created. Damn, that makes it so much more real and that much more painful.

A poem I wrote randomly last night, the title is Follow Me:
Hunt me down
follow me through the dark
run through the thorns
venture out and learn
dont let it hold you back
experience it all
leaving nothing to chance
follow me....

Yup, at the time I wrote that it was just a sudden need to write those words in those exact sentences, and I knew then that it was written about someone, if not to someone, but I didnt know who. And I told Heather that I would figure it out probably when I was sleeping. Well, I figured it out. It was when I was suppose to be sleeping, to which I was not as mentioned before. But all that matters is I figured it out. Grand. Like I didnt already know who it was about, like I didnt have a hint of an idea. No of course not. Nuh uh, not me, not at all. ::skeptical look::

Well thanks for letting me rant! Catcha later.....

Comments

Beryl's picture

I

Has Lynn always had these difficulties with times and calling? Or is this a random new thing?
I understand wanting to connect with your mom, but maybe you should look at the desision in a long term sense. In the long haul, folding in to her might give you temporary happiness, but it looks like it causes a lot of longer lasting hurt. Also, maybe if you don't fall into place as usual she'll realize it and try to get closer to you on a more perminant basis, not just as a fall back. It doesn't sound like the situation is healthy for either of you.
I didn't realize how much I missed you until I saw you again. I knew I did, but it didn't really hit me how much till after we were joking around for a minute, like before. It seemed like you were sad, which is understandable considering whats going on right now. Im sorry I couldn't help more. Im not sure I warned you about Sean coming, sorry about that. Isn't he nuts? (I mean that in the best way, dear) And hes so big.... haha. I know it takes a bit of getting used too. Its kind of ironic we're best friends, becuase Im really paraniod of large men, but being around him has helped that a lot. It was so great seeing you!

Spirit1313's picture

I...

can't explain the mood I was in last night. And yes you did tell me Sean was coming. And yes he is nuts, in the best way possible. He seems really fun to be around. It was amusing.
~Lisa Faery~

Beryl's picture

Creepy-fied

That was strange.... I have a page on a site elsewhere, and I looked at the visitor's list and it said 'LisaFaerie' and I was all suprised becuase I thought you'd somehow found me but it was someone else and that was just really strange........