of this blog is to Heather: I am sorry about earlier, my sister and her bf kicked me off so they could burn a billion cds and they messed up the computer doing it. I would call you but my mom bought a new phone and it royally fucked up multiple things...I am sorry hun.
I have gotten into far too many arguments over the weekend. And they were all with the same person. Which also involved the rehashing of many many bad memories that I did not want to revisit. I would have rather kept them locked behind that nicely labeled door in my mind that says "Do NOT open under any circumstances! Consequences: Death by wild WILD rabid rottweilers and a couple of mean and bitter things with SHARP and PAINFUL teeth!". Well in theory. (Can you tell my brain isnt functioning to well????)
So I had a rough day. It was like standing in the freezing, bitter, cold snow missing the people who meant the most and left before you were ready to let them go. It bites at your heart and numbs you. Makes you wish you were with them and not here, missing them terribly. He left me, bit by bit, disappeared into himself. It was like the light of his soul blew out and he gave up on life. He was my rock to steady my life, the wisdom that helped me learn and my entire world. And he forgot me, who I was, the days we spent together...Everything. In the end I was just a friendly smile through the tears.
I didn't realize until today that I was angry. Bitter that he gave up and didn't fight back. Angry that he forgot me and left me here by myself to remember. He left me to carry on all the days we spent together and the memory of his words. He left me basically all alone. But most of all I was angry because they didn't drop the charges against him until about six months after he died. He never knew, he died guilty and he didn't deserve it. The trial pushed him into alzheimers and he lived that way for almost six years! Thats what pisses me off the most. He may have stayed himself and come home but they fucked up. They judged to quickly and they did not show any compassion what so ever. He was nothing to them. But he was much more than something to me.
So yah that was my main problem of today. Hopefully tomorrow will go better. But I dunno, my mom has tomorrow off. We tend to bash heads on days like that. Especially when its me, her, and my sister. They love ganging up on me. Its bad.
Wellz, as always thank you, this was enlightening. Catcha later!