I feel like writing tonight. Just finished working an hour or two ago, and I kind of feel like shit. I think it's because I'm tired, but it doesn't seem to help too much knowing that. I feel really lonely right now. I don't know what I'm lonely for. I could still have Guy (if I'm lucky, but I think I am) and I don't want to. I'm too scared. I'm not really attracted to him. I've been really horny, but that's about all. He's said some stuff and done some stuff that has turned me on in the last few months, but I know that such a huge part of it is that I'm really curious to see what it's like to be with a guy. To kiss him. To feel him. To have him feel me. To see how I would feel with all of it. The thing is, I'm not ready to deal with a relationship. I don't think I could handle telling all of our joint friends that we're together. I don't know if I could handle holding his hand in public. And I think I would feel bad if I didn't want to. And I think I would feel bad if he didn't want to hold mine. That might not be true, but I'm still not comfortable with the whole thing. And I don't think I'm attracted to him enough to want to stay with him. I feel bad already, because when we've hung out in the last few months, I tried to figure out if I felt comfortable with it. I was okay doing that, but not okay going through with it. Guy wanted to just try it out, but I think he would get really hurt. I know I won't want to stay together for very long (maybe a week) and then won't be honest about it, because I won't want to hurt him. Which sucks, because I felt like shit telling him parts of that. And I felt like we broke up, even though we hadn't been going out. Of course, I don't see how I'm ever going to be with anyone then. Because I don't think I'm ever going to be ready. I don't know. I feel like shit right now. I feel worthless. I don't understand why anyone will ever want to be around me. To even be my friend.
I can't figure it out with my room mates. That's what I'm calling them now. I don't feel like I'm friends with them. They piss me off too much. They're fine as room mates. I didn't move in with them because I wanted to be room mates though. I think that maybe my idea of what friends is is fucked. At the very least, it's too different from what they think it means.
I realize that we're all just figuring out who we are, what we want to be, who we want to be, etc. Which makes me think that I'll be all right with all of this later (when I'm older, wiser, more bitter, and less tired) but I feel really hurt right now. I also realize that I have set myself up for it. I was really hurt by Roomie 1 not wanting to help me move my stuff when we were moving out of my old place, but I realize that I worded it in a way that would leave me mad. I asked if he wanted to help me. I should've just asked if he was going to help me. And really, I shouldn't have told him to stay at my place so long. Or let Roomie 2 move in.
I keep on hoping that because of what I've done (which isn't really that big of a deal) that it makes me exempt from certain expectations that they have. I should know that that isn't true, but I just keep hoping that it will mean that. And being disappointed/angry/hurt when it doesn't. Which really sucks. I told them both that I would stay till the lease is up. I keep trying to tell myself to just think of them as room mates. It's tough though. I have a tough time pretending like they're just room mates. And I guess, in the end, I don't want them to be room mates. I want friends. I want friends that give a shit about me, the way I want them to. The way I try to be towards them.
It's really stupid too. I remember thinking/figuring out awhile back, I don't know when, that being friends with them is a wasted effort. I have no plans to get married and have kids and all that shit. Maybe I should, but I just don't. But even if they don't say it, I think that that's where they're headed, so what difference does it make if we stop being friends now, or stop later? It's not going... Nothing ever stays the same, so why can't I get used to it? Life is change. Get over it. Move on. Figure out how to adapt. It's not like I suck at it. I wish I could get over myself and do something stupid/brave/exciting. Maybe some day. Maybe even some day soon.
I don't know what else to say. I want to cry, but don't really want to put any effort into it. And don't think it will matter/help anyways. I still feel like shit anyways, so what difference does it make anyways?