maybe I just don't fit in

metrored's picture

Tonight is the coming out week party. It's going on as I type and I'm sitting here. Why? Because I really can't stand the music and I'm kinda sick of it. It's all ultra-pop/bad pop and I can't get into enough to dance. I was trying too. Really trying and I couldn't do it. I would just look around with this, OMG this sucks look on my face and hope they play some Outkast. The Outkast wouldn't come though. They didn't even play any Michael Jackson and he's the king of pop. I ended up doing something thai haven;t done in a very long time and that is to leave in the middle of the party. Normally I would just chalk this up to a bad DJ and mark is as a crappie weekend but this is the 3rd of three queer parties that I've really not enjoyed. Right before I left my friend came up to me and said "I'm sorry, you just don't fit in." He was joking and maybe a little tipsy but those words had merit. Maybe I just don't fit in. If half the queer people on this campus are at the party and enjoying themselves then maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't have many close friends in that community, I go to events but i don't mingle. I don't drink!

I fucking hat this, being pissed off every time I go to a gay party. Having the party suck for one reason or another. Only getting along with lesbians and some people of color. Praying that the music that I live with be outside of my head and through the speakers, that I can walk into this setting and not feel like an outsider. It pisses me off. But I have to go back. I'm bar-tending from 12:30 to 1.


suffragettecity's picture


Do you think that maybe you're just not into parties?

metrored's picture

But that's not it...

A lot more has happened since I went back to bar-tend. Aside from reaffirming my dislike of alcohol, there was a shift. At least three other people were telling me how depressed this party was making them because all they were playing was marginal 80's music mixed with Brittany Spears, N'Sync and all the songs from those pop dance mix cd's from the TV commercials at one in the morning. This made me feel a lot better because these were fellow gay men who felt sorely left out by the DJ and out of place.

We talked to the DJ, tried to work something out. I managed to aged a Michael Jackson song but I was putting in to much energy to settle for Billy Jean. Twenty minutes later i ask for something else and then he tells me he lost al the hip-hop and heart sank and I cried out, then he cried out and I realized that it wasn't his fault. I gave up. This party wasn't geared toward the tastes of gay black men but there were plenty of other people having a very good time, people who may not enjoy themselves at other parties because they felt how I felt at that moment so I decided to leave. There was another party going on off campus that I was invited to. I didn't know the people there but the theme was the hour that time erased so I needed to see what's up for the sake of my virginal curiosity.

When I was about to leave something else happened. They played the "milkshake song." It kinda special but it had a beat that I could move too and for a moment I was really into it, I was even dancing with this guy. Then the track skipped and it stopped. But that was enough for me to stay and dance some more. They played Nelly's song Hot on Herre next which I also didn't find all that great but it was good enough considering the circumstances.

Finally something truly miraculous happened. They played "Hey Ya" from the new OutKast album. It was running through my mind all day and the song that I dreamt about as I stood behind the liquor soaked bar handing people their rum and cokes. I couldn't believe it. I was never so happy to hear a song at a college party. It was like being told I would live after deadly accident. All my angst and bitterness and feelings of not liking the party and not getting any just melted away and I got my grove on. From that point forward it was alright. I made my way to the off campus party with my slightly drunk and bitter friend and saw another slightly drunk and biter gay men all depressed about not hooking up with anyone and hung out on the fire-escape.

I do like parties though, but not all parties. At the end of the day I give that party I liked the party. I stuck it out and had fun if only out of surprise and desperation. It was an experience. Now I'm going to bed.

suffragettecity's picture

pop music

Well, I dislike pop music in general, and if all they were playing were Britney and N'Sync, I'd feel pretty bummed out, too.

adrian's picture

Billie Jean

Michael Jackson Vs Bushwacka - Billie Jean 2002 (Bushwaka Mix).mp3

What a wikkid track =)

Putting the HEAD back into Hedonism