Excerpted from Michael Moore's intellectually-titled book,
"Dude, Where's My Country?"
Oprah for president
There is probably no greater imperative facing the nation than the defeat of George W Bush in the 2004 election. Which leads to the scariest question: 'How in the hell are the Democrats going to be able to pull this off?' No one - and I mean no one - trusts the Democrats' ability to get this job done. They are professional losers. Even when they actually win an election - as they did in 2000 - the Democrats still lose! How pathetic is that?
The Greens are in much better shape when it comes to true commitment and passion, but let's be honest - this is not the year of the Greens (and even the Greens know it). So what do we do? It's time to start thinking outside the tiny box that exists in our minds. For starters, let's stop believing the president has to be a white guy. White guys are a shrinking minority in this country - making up just 38% of voters. Women of all colours are 53% of the electorate. Black and Hispanic men make up nearly 8% of the vote. That means that women and these minority men represent about 60% of the entire nation, an overwhelming majority and a powerful winning combination.
Americans are ready for a female president. They're fed up with the same old tired men who look like a bunch of hustlers and liars. Isn't there one woman of the 66 million voting-age women in this country who could beat the pants off this frat boy? What we need is someone already so beloved by the American people that, come Inauguration Day 2005, we'll be liberated from The Smirk. Who is this person who could lead us to the promised land?
Her name is Oprah. That's right, Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah could beat Bush. Hands down. America loves her. She's got good politics, she's got a good heart, and she'd have us all up at six in the morning jazzercising! This cannot be a bad thing. And she'd get us all reading a book a month! ('Good evening. This is your president. This month we are all going to read Brave New World.') How cool would that be?
Here's another plus - Oprah can't be bought. She's already a billionaire! Imagine a president who owes no favours to lobbyists or oil companies or Ken Lay. With a salary of only $400,000, being president would be a step down for Oprah, but it be would OK with me if she kept her show on the air. Except, unlike her current show, Oprah at the White House could actually fix people's problems. Can't pay the bills? President Oprah orders the arrest of credit-card executives who charge outrageous interest rates. Your husband no longer paying attention to you? Maybe he will after his mug ends up on the post office wall on a 'Men Who Don't Shut Up And Listen' poster.
I have been on 'Oprah' three times. I saw grown adults break down and sob after shaking her hand. Why? I think it's because Oprah is a real person, not afraid to be who she wants to be. She's one of us who somehow made it.
You probably think I'm writing this stuff about Oprah for a laugh. I'm dead serious. Imagine the debates - Bush v Oprah! She'll have him twisted in knots. She'll look directly into the camera and she'll tell America, 'I will take care of you. I will protect you. You will join me in this work. I will bring all the right people in who will see that no one who lives in this country suffers any more abuse, and the world will know us as the generous and peaceful people that we are.' She will then turn to W and tell him that he is on his way to the time-out room and a visit with Dr Phil.
And she'll win in a landslide.