I am wrong. My world is wrong. Everything is wrong.
Okay. Well at the moment everything seems wrong. Even though somewhere in all the darkness, there is light. Somewhere.
Lost my job today. I wanted thursdays off, they said fine. I come back to work and they say the girl they hired to work thursdays needs more than one day a week to work so they gave her three, i will work two days a week. i think thats completely unfair but two is better then none. i walk in today and they tell me that the girl needs to work the full week or she cant pay for the car she couldnt afford to buy. i am out of a job. how that works i do not know and i dont think i will ever know. i was hired first. i wanted one day a week to myself. was that really too much to ask? i guess so. i do intend to speak my mind tomorrow before they leave. since they made it sound like letting me work tomorrow is some sort of privilege when all i wanted to do today was get the hell outta there. *sigh*
i was doing so well and then, or now, i have ruined it. i hadnt fallen back in so long. i had used other things to get me through. but tonight, i dunno, something was different and i broke. i gave in to that ache, that need for something. that habit i had fought so hard to ignore. i had to. i had locked the urges out, fought them back, ignored their pleading. until tonight. i just couldnt take it anymore. had to do something, anything. and thats what i did. completely stupid of me. but i dont know, theres something about it thats so satisfying for a while. its a distraction, a different kind of pain. the sharp edge, the feel that you need. *shudders* its terrible. i am terrible.
well yah. had to get that out before it happened again. it shouldnt have happened in the first place but i am at an all new breaking point, an edge i have never seen. looking down into a black, chasm, just waiting to catch me when i fall, only to let me fall forever. a puppet with no control. every move made for me.something is definitely wrong with me.....