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Spirit1313's picture

"...And then it all started falling into place inside my mind. Like a fucked up puzzle. Each agonizing moment, drawing, song, thought, breathe came back. Attacked me. And I can't handle it. When was I ever able to handle anything? I never was. I used to think I could. Used to think I was strong. What a fucking joke. I have never been strong. I fooled myself into thinking that. Its never been true. It never will be true. I will always crack and fall to pieces thats just how its going to be. I can try and change it all I want but this darkness is always going to fill me. I am always going to fear myself and the damage I can do. Its always going to be there. Seeping into my veins, poisioning my soul. And I can't do anything about it. Resort to old habits. Get that shaking in my hands, that slight twitch in my mind telling me to go for it, that no one will care, no one will notice. And I want to sooooo badly. Its killing me inside. I am trying. Trying so damn hard that it almost seems pointless. A waste of energy. Energy I could be putting into my habits. Building them up. Until one day they take over. I let them win. I let myself go. And no one would notice. I would watch myself drift away...

Ok. Atleast I can breathe again. I was panicking. Sheer blinding panic. And I had to get that out before I really did something horribly stupid. There are just some things, some topics, some people, some memories, that bring it all back. Although I am stronger because of the negative, I am also weaker. It provides those little soft spots in my strength that give out from time to time. And then I panic. I get shakey, and I can't breathe. I can't focus on anything and I can't find my way out of it."

Found that in my live journal from a couple of days ago....Just had a panic attack that lasted roughly an hour...Dont know what to do...Dont know what to say...dont know who to talk to...Oh well. Reasearching cutting...Maybe I will find a link...A saving factor....Who knows...

Comments

Dragon's picture

*hugs*

Darling, I am so proud of how strong you really are. You are doing alot more than some people, and you can do it, I know you can. You have friends here for you always, and wonderful oasis when friends aren't enough.

~dragon~

some links I've found:
http://www.geocities.com/bnl_jgk/mainpage.html
http://www.exasko.info/
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

the last is the best

Beryl's picture

I don't know what to tell you

I don't know what to tell you hun, other than I'll always be here for you in anyway I can and if there's anything I can ever do to help, please ask. You matter a lot to me and I wish there was a way I could help you through all this. :/

*hugs*

~ Heather-faery