Breaking the habit? Or just replacing it...

Spirit1313's picture

So yah. I have not cut in ages. Well maybe not ages, but its a pretty good record for me. Or atleast I thought...

About a week ago I was sitting in the living room listening to my sister bitch at me, and my mother rant at me, and everything pretty much falling apart around me. Thats when I realized what I was doing. For god knows how long, I have been absentmindedly picking up random things and finding a sharp edge somewhere on it, and scratching myself with it. Like etching into my hand, my arm, anywhere where I could see blood. So I suppose I have stopped one habit and picked a smaller, less noticeable, even to myself, habit to fill its space.

What the fuck is wrong with me? What the hell am I thinking??? And why???????? WHY WHY WHY!

This whole "feeling misplaced and alone" thing I am going throughis driving me nuts. Being home for two days isn't exactly helping me out much though. Far too much time to think about things. Allie. Lena. Cutting. My newest habit. All these thoughts are running around like little children on a MASSIVE sugar high inside my mind. Its driving me nuts.

Jeez, as I was typing this I managed to etch into my thumb with the tip of an exacto knife. Well...Grand.

All right well I suppose thats enough bitching to last me til...well who knows. Catcha later.........

Comments

TeeAhr1's picture

cutting, etc.

I have nothing insightful or profound to say, and I really wish I did. May you be well, my hopes are with you.

TeeAhr1. Not the latest thing. The real thing.

Dragon's picture

not cold turkey

It's a start in the right direction, hun... I did the same thing... try rubber bands or red markers... or ice cubes...

~dragon~

Beryl's picture

*big hug*

I know this disturbs you hun, and I understand why, but its like Criss said. It's a stepping stone to not needing to self injure at all. Its not that you aren't strong or aren't still beating the cutting, you are! But this is an addiction and like any other, it's going to be hard to break. Now you're just bringing it down a few levels, and maybe soon you will use it even less. You are doing really great hun! I mean it, I think it is so awesome that your aren't cutting and are beating you own record. ^_^

falling down hard's picture

you are not alone

dont worry,
i'm going through a similar expierence myself. No one can wave a magic wand and make it all go away, but you can try and get help if you think you need it. Lifes a bitch so be one yourself is my philosophy but i dont think it works in many other people's cases. i've been subjected to self hatered for years and hurt myself on a number of ocasions. it will feel like your heads about to explode, but only if you let it. the only absolution is, if your as low as youseem, you can only go up, life will get better. you just have to wait for the motions to pass.

now i want you to know this, to know that when i'm not around, to know that your eyes see straight through me, and speak to me without a sound...