Little Secrets Tucked Away

stars and nothing's picture

I think this will be my last post for a while, unless I can soemhow sneak onto the computer- if I'm ever home alone.
It's just too stressful to shrink the Oasis window every time someone walks into the living room.
And then delete this page from the Internet history.

I know it's a cliche but I'm tired of hiding from my family.
Only my mother knows, I finally got up the courage to tell her, back in September. We talked about it once or twice, both crying as she told me not to rush into this "decision."

"It's such a hard lifestyle to choose..."

She made it sound as though I would never be happy as long as I were "making that decision" to be gay. She said she just worried, she just didn't want me to be unhappy. Maybe she just doesn't want me to be gay...
She said I couldn't possibly know at 16. "You haven't had any life experiences at all... how do you know you like girls?"

I should have said, "Just trust me." Instead, I made the mistake of telling her about that New Year's party, when Alicia kissed me...
So yesterday I mentioned that Alicia had invited me to her New Year's Eve party this year, and my mom was kind of weird about it.
I hope she lets me go. Alicia doesn't even like girls anymore. Becau she's an idiot... a beautiful, intelligent, dazzling idiot.
And I made a fool of myself for her.

But that's another story, another series of poems...

Incidentally, my mother hasn't spoken to me about being gay since then. I really want to talk to her about it, but I don't know what I would say.
I used up all my courage when I came out to her.
It seems like she's trying to ignore it, or make it go away. When I went to the support group (behind her back) they suggested I give her some PFLAG literature or something... but I don't know. I'm afraid she just wouldn't listen to me.

I'm sad about that these days.

What did I start out saying? Oh yes, my farewell post. (Right... I'll be back as soon as I can.) Happy holidays all.
Love emily.


adrian's picture


i hate the idea of losing your input =\

chat to me on aim and we will try to work something out.

for starters .. i recommend installing another web browser , such as Mozilla Firebird , because internet explorer doesnt share it's 'temporary internet files' , or browser history with other browsers. So most likely, your parents won't be able to see your history.

Another point, is that firebird allows you to set it up so that it NEVER keeps any trace of your browsing.

If that still isnt enough , i might be able to help you to set up oasis to ... i dont know.. look differently , so you can surf it without having to worry too much about people browsing behind you.

Putting the HEAD back into Hedonism