The Dyke Typology
1. The Hacker Dyke. This brand of lesbian has red hair and nine inch sideburns that are pomaded into points. She typically wears black, edgy clothing and drinks trendy beer in between snorting lines in the bar bathroom. She is standoffish and oozes both sex and hip, but looks like a different person in the morning when her eyebrows have been washed off. She is above you. She is better than you. And she probably won’t ever leave her group of phreaking fags unless you’re elite and have information or an invitation that she doesn’t. She herself is a trend.
2. The Artist Dyke. Not to be confused with 3, the artist dyke is into chemicals that make the world beautiful. She typically keeps random hours that involve the alternative weekly’s arts listings. She is always on the verge of making it or making out. Every girlfriend and every fuck is a muse. She will be interested in you as long as she is inspired or as long as you can show her a door to get her foot in. She likes the obscure and the obtuse. She is above you. She is better than you. And she probably won’t ever leave her group of gallery savvy friends unless your work is brilliant and you have information or an invitation that she doesn’t. She herself is the scene.
3. The Granola Dyke. She is into organics that make the world beautiful, it usually always is. And when its ugly, she’s probably holding a protest placard made from recycled paper. She is probably a vegan, polyamorous, and into books about anarchy that she’s never actually read. She uses the library and independent bookstores. She has a bike, and hates your car. She’s fucking everyone and if that doesn’t include you, it’s because your politics aren’t her politics. And hence, you suck. She is above you. She is better than you. And she probably won’t ever leave the rally unless your work is a mark of the socially conscious and you have information or an invitation that she doesn’t. She’ll never actually tell you that, though. She herself is a cause.
4. The Corporate Status Quo Dyke. Also known as the Picket Fence Dyke, she won’t tell you she’s gay unless you ask her and will then probably tell you that her lifestyle is irrelevant to who she is as a person. She wants to be normal just like everybody else. Her parents are probably supportive and more into queer culture than she is because she abhors it. She is probably single or in a very long-term monogamous relationship. Her friends are just like her and they have dinner parties where they talk about adoption and the awful flamboyant queers who trivialize and degrade their community, while simultaneously hating breeders and wanting to be them. She is above you. She is better than you. And she will never leave her comfortable semi-closeted existence, so you’ll just have to buy a matching outfit and find a good same-sex spousal benefit plan before she’ll look at you.
5. The Cougar Dyke. She marches in the parade because she was there for Stonewall. She remembers the first time she saw the words consciousness raising and collective in print. She doesn’t understand the scene anymore. But if you’re in it, she’ll try to fuck you. And though girls will rarely admit it, they all want to fuck her. Her experience both in and out of bed is sexy. She is a pioneer of the dental dam and works or has worked in radical education. She vacations in the Castro and everything she does is related to being queer, though she won’t use the word. And if you’re the other half of her butch/femme binary, she’ll buy you a beer and make sure that it comes with a glass.
6. The Jock Dyke. On the field or in the locker room, this dyke gets a lot of play - usually from one of the girls on her team. She is drawn to hero professions or physical education and is likely to notice your calves before your breasts. Though she’ll notice those, too. Her meals consist primarily of protein shakes and when she isn’t at the gym, she’s helping a friend build a deck or reading coming books. She is above you. She is better than you. And she won’t leave the television if a game’s on. She doesn’t care about your information unless it’s last night’s scores. And she doesn’t care about your invitation unless it includes courtside seats. She herself is the game.
7. The Straight Dyke. She embraces queer culture for a year or two at full throttle, often referred to as lesbian until graduation (or, a lug). You will never meet her parents as anything other than the roommate or the best friend, even if you fucked her thirty minutes before. She is likely to have a picture of her brother on her desk that she tells clients is her boyfriend, or she may actually have a boyfriend and just screw you (over) on the side. She is above you. She is better than you. Eventually she’ll call what you did an experiment, and then never talk about it again unless her boyfriend wants a threesome. When she gets married you’ll get an invitation, unless you’re already in the wedding party.
8. The Rural Turned City Dyke. She is from a small town where her sexuality was repressed throughout high school. She spends the better part of five years fucking to make up for lost time. She probably moved in with her first girlfriend after two weeks and came out to her family during a major holiday. If she came out to her family, or goes home. She usually discovers other lesbians by accident, the lab partner or roommate during first year. She isn’t above you. And she isn’t better than you. But if she finds out you dig girls, she’ll either want or want to be you. She will make you her obsession.
Looking around a queer-oriented event, you may think you see one of these ideal types of dykes. The fact of the matter is, every girl carries a little stereotype in or outside of her, and often the dyke you’re seeing will not fit easily into one overarching category. Usually she’ll be your every day combination dyke with plenty of her own special spice.
But if there’s one static truth about the dyke you’re seeing, it is this: She’ll act like she’s above you. And she’ll pretend that she’s better than you. And you’ll probably think it’s possible that she is.
But you’re wrong. She’s thinking the same thing about you.
So she’ll avoid eye contact but make sure she’s in your proximity. And then she’ll wait for an opportune moment, unless you find one first.
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