I need some advice... (long post within, but please help)

Jamie's picture

Hi, I'm a 17-year old male that goes to high school here in ON, Canada. My problem is really lengthy, but my thanx and gratitude for those who will take some time out of their lives to help me in my 'romantic' (for lack of a better word) problems.

I was told that this was a site that has gay youths as its primary registrants... the reason why I'm expressing my problem here is because I don't have any gay friends that can relate to my problem... at most, all I have are a couple of bisexual friends.

I'm gay, as you may have already figured out, but I'm the type of person that doesn't easily fall for anyone in terms of attraction. I tend to 'wait' for the other person to make a move and then I end up being attracted back to that same person. Anyways, 3 years ago in my High School freshman year, a rather good-looking and 'player-like' boy approached me in gym class and gave me some signals... as in physical signals, that made me think that he was into me. He would rub my back when we're alone in the locker room, he would say hi in the hallways when we're alone in the hallways... just those little things that did not involve much talking. I never seemed to have the heart to say anything back to him, or talk to him about having a relationship then, because I was still in Grade 9... I was a little naive back then. And I wasn't really TOO interested in a relationship. The 'little signals,' especially staring continued on till a year later, and I felt REALLY attracted to him by then... so I decided to give him a note, not asking him out, but telling him, at least, how I felt, much to the disagreement of my best friend... what was to happen from then was up to him. Anyway, he started to keep his distance from me after that incident, as my best friend had expected, since she does not trust 'popular' guys at all. I got a little depressed, getting no feedback from him, but it didn't seem like he told the whole school. So I kinda brushed it off, learned a little, and moved on.

Similar situations occurred with four other guys, and the results were just as similar. Boy meets boy, boy give signals to other boy, other boy tries to approach boy, boy ignores other boy... I'm not insecure at all... There are times when I do feel insecure, but not to a great extent. But anyway, these incidents caused me a sense of becoming more... afraid of other guys... which is such bad timing, because, as young as I may be, I'm at a point when I REALLY would like to know what love is like. I can't seem to get myself to make eye contact with other guys anymore, even at gay clubs. I'm just so scared of being rejected... again. I never went out with any girl, because I had come to terms with my homosexual identity around grade 6-7... But during those years, I had never gotten to know another guy either.

This is my problem and I have 2 questions:
1)How can I overcome my fear of being rejected? A very conforming friend of mine, she told me to conform to the image of beauty generally accepted within society... which was not a problem, since I guess, I can be a pretty conceited person too. I mean, all I spend my money on are clothes and hair products nowadays (which is bad, cuz I need to get ready for university, lol). But other than her suggestion, which was supposed to give me more confidence, how can I overcome this fear?

2)Should I still pay some attention to that guy who 'gave me signals' in Grade 9? The situation now is that he hasn't gone out with a girl for 7 months and seems to be paying more attention to me now... there were some instances after school when I'd be at the hallways, he'd catch up to me, walk right next to me, but say nothing. Also, three weeks ago, when we had to sign up for our graduation photos appointments- I signed up on my spare at 1:30 pm... he signed his name underneath mine, even though we were among the first ten to sign up for photo appointments and there were plenty of empty appointment slots earlier on in the day, even in his spare 2 hours earlier. So should I even bother with him? I mean, I can understand why he wasn't too keen on associating himself with me 2 years ago... I mean we were in grade 10, he could have been going through some major identity diffusion... especially since he's masculine and is expected to be so.

Thank you in advance.

morbid intentions 666's picture

hmm...

try not to talk about relationships(trust me on this argh)
& try to be his friend 1st he probably had an identity crisis
like u said.....it took me 1-2 years to make me finally realize I'M BI& lov girls! F**k u world! so maybe it takes him that long to find out he's really gay & attracted to u?

*disclimer: yes i give the world's crappest advice & often very
cliche 1's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"keep ur thorns,cuz m running away" -Mudvayne
"simply being loved, loved, loved -- it's more than enough"-BT

adbak's picture

Agree

I agree with morbid in that you should become their friend first, and see what develops out of that. I have a feeling that, by virtue of being in a so-called 'popular' group, that he may feel very self-conscious. Not to the point of being vain, but to the point of being nervous. I have a feeling that these 'popular' guys that seem to flock to you are willing to be in a relationship with you as long as it doesn't seem like a relationship to others in your school.

If you become their friend, perhaps they will let down their façade and be themselves. They then might be willing to intimate a relationship with you.

If none of that made sense, perhaps this will. They don't want anything official. They don't want it to appear like a relationship, by your definition or anyone else's for that matter. They just want a good friendship -- perhaps monogamous, perhaps not. I do hope that I'm being overly cautious because I would hate to have my message of 'protecting one's ego' to rub you the wrong way. After all, at one point or another we have done things that we should have known better not to merely to save face. I merely proffer this advice for you to internalize and tune to the true predicament, the one that can't be translated into text.

Best of luck with this! Feel free to click on my name above if you want to talk.

mark84's picture

Hey there fellow canadian

Wow, we have something in common!. Were both
Canadian (i'm in Toronto) and were both sometimes
"pretty concieted". (well i'm conceited all the time)
Although I think Adbak's advice was really good.
you should listen to my 2 cents as well...

1. Rejection is something that will never go away
(Unless your perfect like me) so the fear will always
be there. But that doesn't necessarily mean you will
always be rejected. It's a chance most of us take.
Trust me.. from your talk of hair care products..
what you need is confidence, not a makeover.
Confidnce is extremely attractive.

2. You put WAY too much into a guy you barely even
know. Honey, he's in the closet.. it's not your
job to drag him out. As well, forget him, you can
so much better. Anyone whose afraid to get to know
you better, isn't worth your time. Find someone
on your own level. I would.. know.. i'm in Ontario as well
...there are plenty of guys.

If u ever want to talk or something my email is
markanthony16@hotmail.com.

Mark, the mysteriously intreguing heartbreaker from Toronto

mark84's picture

p.s.

Your situation totally reminds me of a gay movie
called "Get Real". Rent it sometime. It has
a similar plot to what you are going through.

Mark, the mysteriously intreguing heartbreaker from Toronto

Tiki's picture

hiya

welcome to the zoo. :) might i add that university is a great place to start fresh? :) best of luck - here's hoping you do find that elusive dream of homo-highschool dating. :)

Tiki




Dreaming of the Blue Hawaiian Diner...

Jamie's picture

Still confused...

Hmmm... thanx guys... but I still don't have a concrete idea on what to do...

1. Rejection is something that will never go away
(Unless your perfect like me) so the fear will always
be there. But that doesn't necessarily mean you will
always be rejected. It's a chance most of us take.
Trust me.. from your talk of hair care products..
what you need is confidence, not a makeover.
Confidnce is extremely attractive.

Yes I know about the risks about the rejection part... I used to give these kinds of advices to my friends, but ironically, I'm the one who's in need of them... the problem is, how does one improve their confidence?

2. You put WAY too much into a guy you barely even
know. Honey, he's in the closet.. it's not your
job to drag him out. As well, forget him, you can
so much better. Anyone whose afraid to get to know
you better, isn't worth your time. Find someone
on your own level. I would.. know.. i'm in Ontario as well
...there are plenty of guys.

But I know that... My bigger problem is, as I have mentioned, is because of these incidents with this dude and 4 other 'silent rejections', I've become more passive... The only gay club I've been to is 5ive, and it's hard enough for me to be as aggressive as I used to be with all the other gay guys I see here...

So what do I do? Forget this guy? Um, alright... and get some confidence? Well how does that work?

Hehe, OR, befriend him right? Oh my, I think that's probably out of the question... a lot of people in my school, I forgot to mention, already know I'm gay... before I 'came out' (Well, I didn't make a public statement, but it's more on being comfortable with my identity... if someone were to go up to me and ask me, I'd tell them) I was a pretty respected guy- smart, supportive, assertive, reasonable, and no one made fun of me (at least directly) because of my evident hard work in terms of adjusting well from elementary to high school. It is the same right now. People are generally cool with it and they don't come up to me and beat me up or any ridiculous stuff like that that I hear in media... But the point is, a lot of people already know I'm gay. How can I use that as a tool to befriend these types of guys? It's kind of unlikely to succeed, no? As Mark mentioned, these guys are closeted, or it just seems like they are... And they associate themselves with people who are lesser likely to accept a gay person in their social circle.

v a n d a l's picture

But the point is, a lot of pe

But the point is, a lot of people already know I'm gay. How can I use that as a tool to befriend these types of guys?

dont use it as a 'tool'... genuinely befriend them with the intention of being their friend, and if the both of you actually like each other after you really know each other then good stuff... but dont use the fact that you're known the be gay as a tool. of course if its known then other gay boys probably will befriend you one way or another, but its not something you can use to get guys to like you.

dont worry so much :) just play it cool and be his friend - if stuff happens it happens. if not, you got yourself a friend right?

eTgen's picture

Tough

Life is not easy. There are a lot of questions, such as the ones that you asked above, and we could spent until the end of time trying to answer them. I could give you advice all night long and it would go no where. My suggestion for you right now is that you are young, and trust me there is plenty more in life than worrying if this guy is interested in you etc...

I think, ironically, that you just need to take a chill pill and relax. Are you really afraid of rejection? or is there perhaps something else that you are afraid of? To me, ignorant of all knowledge of you, I would infer the latter; why do you fear gay guys rejecting you by just looking at them? I don't think that is just a fear of rejection.

Think about who you are, what you really want in this life of high school, and you know there is more to come- college, and then the big L, unless you want to stay in academia in which case life is full of books and happy notions which mean nothing to the realm of reality. But I digress.

Anyone here could give you advice, much like me, but no one knows you as you do.

Well this has truly been really to deep and philosophical (psychological?) for me so I am off to bed.

Just laugh a little too. I find laughter always helps especially in a world where everyone seems to becoming more and more serious.

a dopo,

C
---
Allora, sono tornato!

Jamie's picture

Wow, well this was a mistake...

Just what I need, another advice that tells me to do things for myself... geezus, everything I've done thus far were all based on my decisions, my emotions, and my state of mind at the given time... I'm at the point when I don't know which path to take... and u're telling me to "wait" for more prominent opportunities? I'm not trying to stir up something here... But I know why I came here- to ask... in hopes of being given an answer. I'm grateful for those who have given me one, whether concrete or not, direct or indirect. But to be given advice that I've been doing all this time... wow.

And in terms of fearing gay guys looking at me... Well, before I say anything direct back, I'd like to hear your take... what else am I afraid of? If what you're trying to convey is what I'm assuming, then let me just say, as I have already mentioned, that I used to be a very aggressive guy. But because of my experiences with these 5 guys in my school, I've become a lot more passive. My question was what could I do to gain some confidence and decrease my passive level to a minimum. But here you tell me that I need to know myself...

Now how can I 'know myself' by just waiting? That's why I came here- to seek some sort of direction so that I can know more of myself. To know what type of guy I really want. I could not ask my own friends for their advice because, now that I reflect upon it, they can't! My life is too different from theirs, and we find it difficult to relate to one another. How can I know myself if I sit around and 'wait; and have friends that are unrelatable? To ask people who may have been through a situation I'm in, correct? So, I come here, but I guess my situation isn't that relatable here either.

And in terms of laughter... I don't know how u came to that conclusion, but I find even the littlest things funny enough to make my smiling muscles hurt.

Sorry if I came too strong, but I think you're the one who misunderstood my situation.

eTgen's picture

My dear boy

Jamie, my dear boy, I don't think you really understood what I was getting at in my post.

I begin in reverse.

That's nice that you laugh at the small things in life, but you have to (rather one might suggest to another that one has to) laugh at the bigger things in life. Like these sorts of situations. It was, furthermore, not a conclusion, but rather a random thought which I believe the systematically placed word "too" suggested.

Secondly:

I never said "wait" (I believe my expression was "take a chill pill") once in my post, nor did I suggest it, nor imply it. I was simply saying, to use the overly-trite expression, you were (are) making a mountain out of a mole-hill. This situation, and your seriousness to the situation is simply absurd. You are very young and have quite a lot left to do in life, and you should not really worry about things too much

When I said "take a chill pill" I was (am) of course not advocating any sort of drug use, but rather that you relax from the situation. Go with the flow. (perhaps this is my advice).

Thirdly:

To ask a question, on this or any other site, and expect to get the cure-all-wonder-answer is ridiculous. When people give advice they tell you what they would do in the situation. Which may be all and good. But what if you get two different pieces of advice? What then? Eventually the weight of the decision will lie with you, and you alone. That is all I am saying, and I am telling you this up front. I don't believe in clouding half-truths among statements filled with false hopes. (In my first draft I said sorry, but you know, I am not sorry. I always seem to have a penchant for saying sorry, and it seems to go on strange and idiotic tangents (:-P) , but why should I apologize for telling the truth?)

Lastly (I suppose this is not really going in reverse order, but rather jumbled order [here I am sorry for lying to you (:-P)]), what I read from your question implied something deeper than just the fear of rejection. But perhaps that was incorrectly perceived from your language. But what do you imply from mine? I just think something more than rejection is afoot, however, I don't speculate on what that might be.

Here then is my conclusion (good heavens, how the SAT II writing section would be proud, making obvious the obvious!)

Whose advice are you ultimately going to take? You already know the two possibilities so one person is going to say X another Y. You must then choose between the possibilities. So why even have the people say X or Y if you already know the choices? I think, and this is not implied, that you want to hear a certain answer, to justify your future predetermined plan. Well sorry, hun, but you came here for advice and that is what I am giving too you, I know it is not what you wanted to hear, but it is what I am giving. Take it as you please.

Think I'm a half-wit. Fine by me. Go laugh at me. It shan't phase me in the least.

I went through a phase very similar like yours - I had to make a choice- to join certain groups, to talk to certain people etc... I asked similar questions what should I do. Well I asked and got advice that meant nothing, just what I wanted to hear. It finally took me 6+ months of soul searching- not by waiting, but by doing things, that has made me change. And I am not yet fully changed. I still wish that particular things would happen to me. But you know what, I learned something today (as Stan might say): it doesn't matter what your friends, virtual or real, tell you to do, it can only be you, and by being you and doing things for yourself- then and only then do you be confident.

But hey who am I? I am a voice that you have never heard. A face you have never seen. A person you know nothing about. Why should you listen to me?

peace out bro
:)

C
---
Allora, sono tornato!

unicornz's picture

...

hey im 17 and from ontario too. anyways the way i see it youre damned if u do ure damned i you dont. at least if you go for it you have nothing to regret and it gives u experience. if i were you id go for it. hey you never know.

morbid intentions 666's picture

TRY IT!!!!!!

try it try it! brings cheerleading squad*gimme a J!gimme an A! o u got the idea.....-_-
I TRIED IT!!! ^.^ CAN U BELIEVE A RELIGOUS FREAK WOULD.....
*TRANCE *.* -->DREAMY SIGH-->DROOLS*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"keep ur thorns,cuz m running away" -Mudvayne
"simply being loved, loved, loved -- it's more than enough"-BT