Pale Green

crookedsmile's picture

Jealousy is a peculiar entity. Peculiar in that you never really know when it'll come and take a handful of your guts. Twisting them around. Digging its nails in. Smiling. Kissing your nose. Then disappearing into the ether. Leaving you in a heap.

It does it because it can. Like a bully picking on the kid with the weirdly huge hair in school. It's easy. It's satisfying--unless you're that kid. And it fills some time. Yes, jealousy is a bully.

Jealousy is a peculiar entity. Peculiar in that you can't tell it you don't have time.

"I'm on the phone."
"Wait, I'm making a cup of tea. I'll spill the milk."
"I have a train to catch. You'll make me late."

In fact, jealousy prefers those times. The awkward moments when it causes the most problems. When the impact is as sudden and painful as a car wreck. When it knocks the breath out of you. When your eyes close and you sit. Letting the waves pass. Trying to still the torturing little voices. That keep chanting.

"It was never you. You're there to pass the time with."
"You're not important. She's waiting for someone else. Not you."
"Second best! Second best! Second best!"

Jealousy is a peculiar entity. Peculiar in that there's no break in the clouds. Just when you think the storm's left, another force ten comes and blows your straw house down. And you sit in your little pile of mess. Looking around. Wondering what the Hell happened.

So you wait. Maybe ten minutes. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day this time. While your brooding thoughts make your eyes narrow and your jaw clench. Fingers tap as you pace and pace and pace. While you convince yourself you're being stupid. And the Devil on your shoulder convinces you you're not. Eternal infernal battle: those damn torturing little voices.

Jealousy is a peculiar entity. Peculiar in that once you have it, it's there to stay. You can stay away from the inspiration--except you can't or you wouldn't be jealous! God damn, catch twenty-two. Round and round in circles. Can't stay away. Don't feel better, just worse. Can't stay away. Don't feel better, just worse.

So you make a decision. You're a strong independent woman and you'll stand firm and not be so childish. Except--jealousy is a peculiar entity. Peculiar in that it isn't listening to the educated part of you that says.

"Really, come on. This is childish. You don't own her."
"No-one except you is making you feel jealous"
"Well, if she wasn't a two-timing little bitch to begin with you wouldn't have this issue. Don't make such bad choices."

Jealousy is a peculiar entity. Peculiar in that it won't go away. It won't be explained. It won't be comforted. It won't be anything than what it is: a noun. A tiny little, momentously important word that can take a good mood and shred it in the blink of an eye.

Jealousy : noun. 1. To feel envious (of person etc.) 2. Emotion associated with resentfulness of rivalry in love.

Comments

amy's picture

wow. that realy spoke to me.

wow. that realy spoke to me. thanks.

Beryl's picture

wow is right

hells yeah, you jst about pinned it as well as jealousy can be pinned. Thats amazign, how did you write it? Was it on the spot, or prewritten? good luck with the inspiration, hope you find the sword with which to vanquish your own doses.

crookedsmile's picture

Writing

I wrote this a couple days ago...it was lying around so I figured I might as well post it.
I'm trying to stop being jealous...trying is the key word there.
Thanks for the compliments.
:)