I need someone. Someone who cares. I want that special someone. Who understands, who loves me for who I am, who can honestly say they care. Someone whose hand fits perfectly in mine.
I start to wonder. Truly think about running away from this place. Get away from everyone and everything. Find some place where I can start over, be who ever I want. Then I think about it and I realize I could never do that. Thats just not who I am.
I fell asleep crying last night. Thinking about whether I had ever done anything to make my dad proud. You see, my dad is really important to me. Hes been my foundation for the past seven years. After my grandfather was on trial for setting his house on fire and I watched all of it, I grew up fast and I grew closer to my dad. And then last night happened. Hes been drinking. I lived with my alcoholic grandfather for over two years. I put up with it every day. And I dont want that to happen again. But then last night, he was gone for more than sic hours and I crumbled. I couldnt help it. I was all alone and hurt. I also started to cut again last night. Two months of not cutting gone. And the whole night I kept thinking about whether I was a disappointment to him. The last thought that went through my mind last night was; You are a disappointment and your foundation has finally let go of you, now what? And thats how I fell asleep, thinking that and crying silently. Which is something I am really good at. Crying silently that is.
Sometimes I wonder. Would having someone who loved me make any difference? Would I want to stay alive any more than I do now? Would I stop cutting? Could they fix my smile? Piece my broken soul back together? Make me breathe easier, live life more open eyed and make things better? I wish that could happen. I wish someone wanted to try. Because I cant say that I can do it on my own, in fact I know I can't. So, now what?