Hello my readers,
Are you ready to read my longest blog entry ever? I hope so, 'cause it's gonna
I composed this entry, originally, as a response to a blog entry by Ashleytothehizzle 167, aka Ashley. While replying, I got out so much written down about the precise
reasons that I am so reluctant to tell others about my bisexuality. I posted it
there, but I've decided to copy and paste it to here, as well. It's just too good.
I just turned 20, and nobody (other than you people out there, my readers) knows that I'm bisexual. It's not like I suddenly turned bi when I became 19. I've always seen guys as attractive, but, being bi and all, I saw girls as attractive. Being without an outside perspective, I thought that's how all straight guys (of course, I thought I was straight) felt-- they think guys are attractive (from an objective point of view), but they go out with girls. Over the past year or so, I gradually began to understand that straight guys do not feel that way-- bisexual guys do. And, here I stand.
I'm still trying to find a good time to tell my family. After that, I'm sure it will be a close step to being open about it with my friends and University colleagues (I hope). I know that my parents are not intolerant bigots. Like the case with your mother, I'm worried that mine will be a case of "you! You're joking! You, bisexual?! C'mon, don't make jokes like that". I do not "look" queer (which is a problematic statement in itself, but enough about that), so it will be a major surprise. I'm not particularly looking forward to that.
That's just my parents, though. I can just imagine how my extended family will feel-- my uncles and aunts, my cousins, my grandmother. G-d bless them all, but some of them, I'm sure, will be very uncomfortable with hearing that I'm not 'normal' (whatever that means). "Boys don't kiss boys. They find a nice girl, date, get married, have kids, get a house, grow old, etc etc. In my day, there was none of this gay nonsense...") I don't need that, especially since I'm so well loved by my family.
Oh yeah, and then there's my friends. They're wonderful people, but I don't know how they'd accept this news. I don't think any of them are queer, and I'm worried that they'll never look at me the same way again. They'll see me as the 'gay friend', and my male friends might start looking at my behaviour differently, checking me, even subconsciously, for 'passes' and other signifiers of 'gay-ness'. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit. They're wonderful, but they're also human. I don't think they'll be malicious, but they will simply view me differently. I really don't need that. And what about, assuming I eventually get a boyfriend, bringing a date to our nights out? How will they see that?
So that's the reason I'm worried about telling people about my sexuality. It inherently entails a major change in the way the people in my life will see me. They will stop seeing me, I worry, as an English student who wants to become a teacher. They will stop seeing me as a Great Big Sea fan. They will stop seeing me as a great friend who is very funny and great to hang out with. They will start seeing me as a bisexual guy. They will start seeing me as something else, or, as we call it in literary criticism circles, "The Other". I will cease to be known as Daniel, and I will start to be known as Daniel, our bisexual (grand)son/friend/classmate.
I want to be seen as just Daniel. Daniel who is many things, one small thing of which is he likes girls AND guys. A fact like that should be placed on the scale of importance next to the music I like, the TV shows I like, the movies I like, and the games I like. I want my sexual orientation to be just one part of my identity, on the level with the other things I listed, NOT somehow above it all.
Wow, I got a lot out there. This expresses most of my anxieties in a relatively organized, compact way. (Yeah, whatever!)
...Well, that's it. As usual, for those of you who actually made it to the botttom,
what do you think? I'd love to hear your responses, not to mention your stories.
Have a great week everybody, and thanks for reading to the end (unless you just
skipped to the end and are only reading this. In that case, thanks at least for