A long, but really crucial, entry

Dan84's picture

Hello my readers,

Are you ready to read my longest blog entry ever? I hope so, 'cause it's gonna
be great!

I composed this entry, originally, as a response to a blog entry by Ashleytothehizzle 167, aka Ashley. While replying, I got out so much written down about the precise
reasons that I am so reluctant to tell others about my bisexuality. I posted it
there, but I've decided to copy and paste it to here, as well. It's just too good.

Here goes...

I just turned 20, and nobody (other than you people out there, my readers) knows that I'm bisexual. It's not like I suddenly turned bi when I became 19. I've always seen guys as attractive, but, being bi and all, I saw girls as attractive. Being without an outside perspective, I thought that's how all straight guys (of course, I thought I was straight) felt-- they think guys are attractive (from an objective point of view), but they go out with girls. Over the past year or so, I gradually began to understand that straight guys do not feel that way-- bisexual guys do. And, here I stand.

I'm still trying to find a good time to tell my family. After that, I'm sure it will be a close step to being open about it with my friends and University colleagues (I hope). I know that my parents are not intolerant bigots. Like the case with your mother, I'm worried that mine will be a case of "you! You're joking! You, bisexual?! C'mon, don't make jokes like that". I do not "look" queer (which is a problematic statement in itself, but enough about that), so it will be a major surprise. I'm not particularly looking forward to that.

That's just my parents, though. I can just imagine how my extended family will feel-- my uncles and aunts, my cousins, my grandmother. G-d bless them all, but some of them, I'm sure, will be very uncomfortable with hearing that I'm not 'normal' (whatever that means). "Boys don't kiss boys. They find a nice girl, date, get married, have kids, get a house, grow old, etc etc. In my day, there was none of this gay nonsense...") I don't need that, especially since I'm so well loved by my family.

Oh yeah, and then there's my friends. They're wonderful people, but I don't know how they'd accept this news. I don't think any of them are queer, and I'm worried that they'll never look at me the same way again. They'll see me as the 'gay friend', and my male friends might start looking at my behaviour differently, checking me, even subconsciously, for 'passes' and other signifiers of 'gay-ness'. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit. They're wonderful, but they're also human. I don't think they'll be malicious, but they will simply view me differently. I really don't need that. And what about, assuming I eventually get a boyfriend, bringing a date to our nights out? How will they see that?

So that's the reason I'm worried about telling people about my sexuality. It inherently entails a major change in the way the people in my life will see me. They will stop seeing me, I worry, as an English student who wants to become a teacher. They will stop seeing me as a Great Big Sea fan. They will stop seeing me as a great friend who is very funny and great to hang out with. They will start seeing me as a bisexual guy. They will start seeing me as something else, or, as we call it in literary criticism circles, "The Other". I will cease to be known as Daniel, and I will start to be known as Daniel, our bisexual (grand)son/friend/classmate.

I want to be seen as just Daniel. Daniel who is many things, one small thing of which is he likes girls AND guys. A fact like that should be placed on the scale of importance next to the music I like, the TV shows I like, the movies I like, and the games I like. I want my sexual orientation to be just one part of my identity, on the level with the other things I listed, NOT somehow above it all.

Wow, I got a lot out there. This expresses most of my anxieties in a relatively organized, compact way. (Yeah, whatever!)

...Well, that's it. As usual, for those of you who actually made it to the botttom,
what do you think? I'd love to hear your responses, not to mention your stories.

Have a great week everybody, and thanks for reading to the end (unless you just
skipped to the end and are only reading this. In that case, thanks at least for
trying!)

Best,

Daniel

Comments

Sahr_Erable's picture

You're right!

I think you're right for saying that being bisexual is only a tiny part of your identity! I've had problems with that before where I failed to make people understand that there's more to me than being gay/bi (whatever I am that doesn't exclude guys). I have friends who can only have conversations with me about finding me a boyfriend and asking me who I think is cute. It can get frustrating when they treat me as one of my many labels. I think the few friends I have who do this should get over me being gay/bi. When it's constantly mentioned every five minutes, it makes me wish I were straight so I wouldn't be "different", as they say.

But most people aren't like that. They get over it. Only the obsessive stalker-esque matchmakers/cupids act the way described up above. Lots of my friends were surprised when I told them of my preferences, but they soon got over it, even faster than I did. They treated me differently, but only when the subject of sexuality and dating came around. Other than that, I was still the same person to them. After all, not everything can be related to sexuality.

Ok, I think I've spoken enough. Just hang in there, and be strong! Coming out can sometimes help you see who your real friends are, and real friends will stick by your side, you'll see!

(hope this made sense, and hope it's good advice...)

Dan84's picture

Of course it's good advice!

Thanks for your reply! It's nice to hear these kinds of 'testimonies'. I know I'm going to have to tell people eventually-- it's finding the right time that's tough. Here's hoping for the best possible outcome, which will hopefully be quite similar to your experience.

...And while I'm replying here, let me ask that other people who read this also reply! I know you're out there, lurky-readers! I see you, or so I'd have you believe! Let me know what you think, or even just a few comments, or whatever. Look how much I wrote! You owe me!

...OK, that's enough *friendly* threatening for one day. I think it's time to do something else.

sumzy's picture

this isn't really helpful, heh, but still...

here's what i think :-) ...i've told about my sexuality to a few friends, but i haven't even thought of telling my parents yet, not to mention extended family...i've always figured that they don't need to know until i actually have a girlfriend, although i guess it would help them to understand why i'm not dating any guys anymore....but i guess i'm waiting for the time when i live on my own and actually have someone. i hope they will be supportive...that is soooo wrong though that we have to HOPE that they'll be supportive....

anyways, i still told a few friends, because i really needed to get some of my thoughts out, it's awful to go through this alone! however, it didn't change much....they were okay with it, but i don't think they actually realized what it means...

ashleytothehizzle16's picture

daniel, daniel, daniel

well daniel, hello again. I guess I can never get enough of that story. Your words just some how touched my heart. Its amazing how you can have so much in common with someone you dont know what so ever. I think its so sad how this world picks everyone apart if their not considered as "a normal everyday person" meaning, if you're not straight. That tears me up on the inside, and I know for you its killing you as well. I wish people wouldnt be so concerned about other people and what they like, and worry about themselves for once. But dan, I dont think that day will be any time soon. I know you hate living a lie, and wish you could just scream out to everyone how you feel, but then you see how people react to others, and you just want to whisper so they can barely hear you. I really think though, to really begin to love yourself screw everyone else, and start looking after your own intrests. Tell people how you feel, Tell people what you want, and if they dont like it, their not worth having in you're life anyways. I know its going to be damn hard, because I am going through the same thing almost, but you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. in order to be a friend, be a friend to yourself. I send you all the happiness in the world, and I hope that one day you dont have to live a lie anymore. Be honest with the people you love, because some of them are maybe holding back the same things you are to them, and thinking you will react the same way. Who knows? no one ever knows until you be honest with them. Anyways, this is probably just a bunch of words to you, but I tried.. THank you for helping me.
best of luck,
*Ashley*

eTgen's picture

out

coming out is not about about finding the right time- it is about the right time finding you. when you are ready- really ready- it will happen.

As for your worries- I understand. But who says that you have to tell the whole extended family? My parents actually don't want me to tell them, but hey when I bring home my husband, I think they understand.

When you are out- unless you only surround yourself with gay/bi people who are sexed crazed- then being gay/bi is not a big deal- and whenever they talk about the hot guys or girls now you can join in with no problems talking with the guys about the gals and with the gals about the guys. Fun stuff

a dopo,

C
---
Allora, sono tornato!