stars and nothing's picture

It occurs to me
That I can't go back

I stand here
Blade poised
Thoughts bloom
Like bright flowers of blood

I should talk
To Chelsea
Or Heather, or Minkus
I should talk
To Nikki
Or Matthew, or Emrys
To my mom, to my counselor,
to my favorite teacher.
So many people know me.

(Y tu, Walt Whitman,
me conoces bien. Rezo a ti como rezaba a Dios--
que me entiendas
Cuando te hablo sin cortarme.
Y en caso que no, todavia
Rezo a Dios.)

(And you, Walt Whitman,
you know me well. I pray to you like I used to pray to God
I hope
you understand me
When I talk to you without cutting myself.
And in case you don't, I still
Pray to God.)

I can't go back
To how I used to deal
With the down side of up

Unable to cut
I spill words not blood
God, is this better
Or what, am I weak?

I don't know
This little blue placebo
My dream suppressant
Does it keep me sedated

Like a frothy mocha
cappucino, creamy hazelnut
amaretto biscotti chocolate latte...
I sit here waiting
for someone who'll want me,
steaming, slowly losing
my warmth...

but I don't cut.
Maybe this is important.
Amy would know, but I can't pray to her anymore.


niks121997's picture


If you ever stop writing...oh dear let's not think about that. DONT stop!!! "The down side of up" I love it. I'm curious as to the Nikki you're referring to. I'm Nikki, but I'm not as vain to assume that it's me. There is more than one Nikki around, some better, some worse. Someone will want you. You never know, I could end up wanting you. Or not since I don't know you. Still, someone will want you. Then you can pray to that person. :)

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

stars and nothing's picture

how many Nikki's...

...does the average person know? of course it was you.

i feel kind of silly that most of the comment boards we post on tend to end up as conversations between you and me... hope no one else minds.

you could end up wanting me, you say? hmm...

i'm glad you liked the poem.
love emily

niks121997's picture

Anything's possible... reference to the possiblity of my ending up wanting you. It's a mad world we're in, and the unexpected can happen. :)

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

ACCgirl's picture


I really liked this poem. I went back and read it a few times because with you I always feel like I didn't really catch all there is to catch the first time through. Your poems feel endless. They've got that much depth.

The Spanish part rocked, of course. Especially because I speak okay Spanish (or at least it's my opinion that I do...haven't yet been to Mexico to test it out).

The poem is beautiful, and like Nikki said...don't you dare stop writing, or I'll have to come after you with a shovel and drag you back to your notebook. Nah, I'd understand if you decided to stop writing (as I'd run away crying uncontrollably and screaming "WHY?").


random's picture


... speechless. i need your words... i wish beautiful writing could be taught and learnt.