Cutting

random's picture

I've noticed a lot of oasians are self-mutilators... I know I do my fair share of it... I don't even know why anymore. I could stop. I had stopped for ages. I don't even think I need it anymore, not like I did two years ago, it's just a habit I've picked up again recently, and it still makes me feel good. Or better, anyway. Maybe I do need it... I don't know.

Anyway, anyone else game to share their stories and thoughts on it? I'm just curious as to how many of you others there are...

tigerandamy's picture

Been clean for 6 months

I started cutting in the 8th grade and it continued on and off all through high school. I am now a freshman in college and I have been clean for 6 months. This is the longest I have gone and my goal is to go a whole year and then maybe the rest of my life. If you're about to start my advie to you is to not start because it is a bitch to stop and you hurt a lot of people more then you hurt yourselves sometimes.

Keep it safe, Kris

RoaG's picture

good job =) a friend of mi

good job =)

a friend of mine just started cutting. i'm worried about her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ramblings of a Girl

MortalVenganceX's picture

I brave enough to share.

Hmm .. *thinks back*, I think it was the 6th grade that I started cutting. I remember, I started cutting because a boyfriend of about 3 1/2 years dumped me, and he was my life at that time [god was I stupid!]. Things just eventually went downhill and I cut more often, and deeper. I felt pain, yes, but it felt good. It was the only way for me to relieve my anger and sadness. I guess I felt like "You guys hurt me so badly, I'll show you my pain through my own blood." I wanted to die really badly, I felt as though everything was terrible ... I had been diagnosed with depression and OCD. I had no friends, and I was made fun of a lot. This continued until the 7th grade where I cut for the final time, and probably the deepest ... a boyfriend that I thought I loved dumped me. I was furious, and very sad. I often used the threat of self mutilation to get my way, but someone told me one day that I wouldn't really do it that time. So I did ... I guess I wanted to "show them". I cut deeply into my right thigh ... the name of my boyfriend. That cut bled so much, it stayed there for so long, and was constantly hurting me. It even got infected. I stopped a long while after, when I realized what I was doing was stupid. I have scars all over my body from digging a shaving razor into myself. Scars that will never fade. But that was a long time ago, almost a year ago infact. I don't think I'll ever go back. I was confussed then, about who I was and my sexuality. Now I'm possitive about what I am and I'm happy about it most of the time. Do I ever just want to hurt myself? Yeah, sure. But I don't ... because I don't want to loose myself again. However, I'm not gonna' be like a mother and lecture you on it. It's your choice, I just hope you choose the right way.

P.s. I find writing, drawing, screaming into a pillow, music, poetry and angry movies make me feel better. ^.^

~It is finally clear to me~

girl_in_a_straight_jacket's picture

its hard to explain but...

i personally think that cutting is a result of keeping too much bottled up inside...for me that's when i feel the need to resort to the lady bic. it started about 3 yrs ago when i fell in love hard with my really good friend at the time. we spent so much time together and the more i got to know her the more i loved and also the more painful it became to be with her, or talk to her and not be able to tell her how i really felt. one day after a long phone conversation with her i just couldn't take it anymore and negative thoughts clouded my mind..i just remember thinking "you're worthless no one will ever love you" and "hurt yourself you'll feel better". so i drew a bath and sat there in nothing but the skin that i so deeply loathed...i froze because i get queezy even at the thought of blood..i kept telling myself "you're such a coward you cant even hurt yourself when you deserve it" finally i dug the razor into the back of my leg pulled it out and for a split second felt nothing just numbness, then a sharp sting followed by relief and a morbid sense of satisfaction. i really dont understand why it feels so good but its definitely an escape...it takes your mind off of all the other crap. i wrote a poem about it and there's also a good quote from a book im reading that i will post separately cuz this is too damn long!

girl_in_a_straight_jacket's picture

poem

Happiness

Where am i going
Consumed with self loathing?
This path so familiar, so easy to take
This body, its skin, so easy to hate

Happiness found not where it used to be
Alone in the dark is where i choose to be

Why do i like this
Constant feeling of emptiness?
Nothing but pain can fill this void
Motivation is lost for what once was enjoyed

Happiness found not where it used to be
In the reflection of this knife i hold close to me

When will it end
This fear that i wont mend?
I dont know what's wrong, maybe i'm broken
Heavy thoughts plague my mind, but remain unspoken

Happiness found not where it used to be
I cut the white and watch the red spoil its purity
It can't be right that this knife feels so good to me
Happiness found not where it used to be

girl_in_a_straight_jacket's picture

sylvia says it best

the following is a quote from Sylvia Plath's autobiographical novel "the bell jar"..its a good book i highly recommend it..depressing but good. :

"when they asked some old Roman philosopher or other how he wanted to die, he said he would open his veins in a warm bath. i thought it would be easy, lying in the tub and seeing the redness flower from my wrists, flush after flush though the clear water, till i sank to sleep under a suface as gaudy as poppies. ....i sat on the edge of the bathtub and crossed my right ankle over my left knee. then i lifted my right hand with the razor and let it drop of its own weight, like a guillotine, onto the calf of my leg.
i felt nothing. then i felt a small, deep thrill, and a bright seam of red welled up at the lip of the slash. The blood gahered darkly, like fruit, and rolled down my ankle into the cup of my black patent leather shoe."

note: one month after the publication of this novel sylvia plath commited suicide and succeeded..you think that someone would notice the warning sign of writing a novel in which the main character (a young writer much like herself) commits suicide..some people just dont want to face the truth

CarpeNoctum's picture

HOLY CRAP

Wow, that's a very profound poem, and quote from a book. I think I'll have to read that one. I've never been a cutter, the idea of it just never appealed to me. Several of my friends were, some still are, and some of my family have become cutters. I've often looked at a scissors, the knives all over my room, my razor...and wondered what it would be like to do it, more on a depressed day than anything. But I don't know that I actually would. I don't see where it could take me that would be better. Knowing me I wouldn't feel any better about it and then I'd be scarred and slashed and still depressed. For those of you that are cutters, what does it do for you? Does it actually make you feel better and help? Or does it just lead to more cutting and still being depressed?
Cay

ninth_sense's picture

I love Slyvia. I've read the

I love Slyvia.

I've read the Bell Jar at least 6 times within the past year. That and Ariel... I'm still working on finding my copy of Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams...

Beryl's picture

Hey

Has anyone else read the book, 'Cut'? I did, and I wasn't impressed. I loved her writing style, and empathized very much with Callie, but didn't like the way she handled self injury itself. It seemed to me that if it was really that easy to give it up, it wouldn't be an addiction. I'm afraid non-cutters will read it and think it's always as simple as it seemed in the book, and expect that in real life.

CarpeNoctum's picture

No idea what to put as a subject....

I ordered The Bell Jar! Yay, should be here...Tomorrow! or maybe the next day. Anyway, I haven't read Cut, and I'll take your word for it and just not read it. If anyone wants to see a good move, Thirteen is excellent. The main character starts to cut herself in the process of a total break down. I don't cut myself, like I said before, I just don't see how it would help me get anywhere, I think it would make me feel worse. Not that I've never thought about it, but that I can't actually do it. I don't think that it would be easy though, a friend of mine has been cutting for 3 years now, trying to stop, getting help, all of that stuff, but just can't quite do it.
Cay

Beryl's picture

I think it's worth reading fo

I think it's worth reading for the writing if nothing else, but the portrayal of cutting is skewed, but as you're not a self injurer, that might not bother you as much, so if you get the chance I'd say gie it a shot. You can always put it down. *shrug*

rachely476's picture

Re:

I also think so.

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insanepenguin's picture

heh, cutting...

I have been cutting since mid-April of 2003. I have been in counseling since mid-May. I've cut since I started therapy, since it does become an addiction, and relapses do occur during recovery. I started cutting as a result of my questioning my sexuality. I'm bi, and I accepted it back between the end of summer and the beginning of fall.
~*Kate*~

gwyneth's picture

cutting

I don't think its only lots of people on oasis, many many young people cut today.. of all sexualities. at least to my knowlege.

"There is no excuse to be bored" -V.M

morbid intentions 666's picture

dont com to this site if u'r not officially "out"

wow im so glad i came to this site B4 i came out. otherwise i'd be cuttin by now -.-* well my friend said the feeling of pain overcomes the feeling of sadness....blah blah brain synase..blah blah..
im weird...does any1 cut in front of parents bcuz u want thm to ShutTheF**Up? or m i the "special 1"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"keep ur thorns,cuz m running away" -Mudvayne
"simply being loved, loved, loved -- it's more than enough"-BT

Beryl's picture

I self injure..... I've real

I self injure..... I've realized I do it for control. There is not much in my life that I have control over, and the pain I cause my body directly, how much I work out, the food I eat, and the sleep I get are some of the few things I can really keep my hands on. I guess if you count the sleep deprivation to the point I've make myself sick I've been self injuring for years, but I only started cutting in the last few months. I haen't in a few weeks, and refuse to even though lately I've really wanted to, because I don't want to hurt my sisters and loved ones through my actions.

Last year I first really heard of self injury because my sister 'came out' to me about her cutting, so I, having no clue what I was dealing with, researched it, hardcore. I was a bit of an expert, for a non-SIer. Over the last year I've found close to 30 SI in my life, that I know of at least. from one to thirty. I hope that someday there will be more education and awareness of self injury so that number will not grow much higher. *crosses fingers*

JanetBoy7's picture

....

I heard about this activity back in high school and it didn't come up again until I saw that movie "Thirteen", I don't fully understand why a person would do this to themselves other then reading what you guys have wrote. I'm such a woosey that the thought of blood makes me light headed.

What can you say to people who cut? How can you help them? Im here your there. Take care and just know you are not the only one..and hold on. <3

Peace,
jboy
-Theres always tomorrow.

ginsbergchick's picture

I've been there

I've been through a range of self injury styles, but my most recent problem has been with cutting. It's about taking the pain that I feel mentally and turning it into a physical pain that I know how to handle. There are times that life gets too stressful, and I need to do something to rechannel the pain.

I haven't cut in three weeks, which is a real achievement for me. Once I got the courage up to tell my family and my doctor about it, things started to get better. It's hard...very VERY hard to tell others because it sounds so crazy. But believe me, the people who care for you do not only deserve to know, they will BE GLAD YOU TOLD THEM. Yes, it may be a burden. But if they really love you, it is a burden they will gladly carry.

Empowerment starts with seeking out help. I know (trust me, I REALLY know) that there are days that a cutter can't see how life can go on if they don't cut. I still get that urge very often, and I've still got a knife hidden away that I'm not ready to give up yet. But I'm working damn hard to stay clean, and hopefully I'll be ready to throw away the knife in months to come.

Love to you all, and keep on working at it. Life is hard, but I've got faith that you all can stand up and live it right.

Stay strong.

Love,

~Jay~

Feminism; the radical notion that women are people.

yikes's picture

re: cutting

i'm taking prozac to counter my ocd issues. cutting is an obsessive compulsive disorder. have you tried therapy?

because, yeah, cutting is a release. but you may end up doing it more intensely not because you mean to, but just because it's an ocd compulsion to do more and more.

ultimately, it's not a good thing.

Skylar's picture

I cut some but I don't consid

I cut some but I don't consider myself a cutter. I describe myself as being addicted to pain. I don't think I cut for emotional reasons. The thought of me having emotions makes me sick so I'm pretty emotionally detached. But I constantly get this craving, or ghost cut pains as I call them, that makes me want to cut. It's like almost reaching an orgasm but just not there and you can feel it inside you but it's just not all there. So I cut myself and watch myself bleed and then the craving vanishes, like your orgasm is over for now.

Lately I have been having the desire to try different things. Like burning, self piercing and self tattooing for some unknown reason. I guess I'm just strange. Oh well. It's not the cutting I desire, it's the pain. (But that's pretty much the same for all self-mutilators) But my emotions don't influence my cutting at all. I could be really upset and listen to a slipknot cd and be fine, then the next day I could be as happy as ever then suddenlly get the desire to cut.

I'm curious. Is anyone else like this?

jacjessen90's picture

i am...

i have given myself tatoos, peirced my own ear and tongue, and have been a cutter for @ least 8 years.... my parents don't know, nor does my sister...i've told my sister but she doesn't beleave me, cuz i don't do it on my arms or lower legs, i cut where it cannot be seen unless you've been dating me for Quite a while....no farther down the leg than 3 inches from my gennies and no farther up than my navel....i have also burned my palms with a gas flame until they have turned black...and they are now, unable to turn back to my skin colour...i now have black scar tissue over my entire palm on both hands.....just to let you know...you aren't alone....

"to live a day alone, only THAT would be torture! An hour without you, only THAT would be death!" ~gomez and morticia addams
"look at him! i would kill for him! i would die for him! either way what bliss!"~gomez addams

Darkest Dream's picture

...

i think we should tell people that cuts
the dangers they put themselves in
for the sicknesses and more than can
occur if you self-injure...

Sadly, i've been throught it to
and almost lost an arm
Almost lost 4 of my friends
that used to cut because it
had made them so depressed
the more they cut the more they were depressed
the more they were depressed the more they cut
And their life was truly in danger
Two are having dangerous illnesses now
And many went to the suidide state
I lived throught the suide of a loved one
And that is why we need to get
people that cut to stop and
have help before they get themselves sick
or too depressed....
=(
>> Am I Souless or only Blinded by Darkness? <<

freehugs's picture

I used to cut up until very

I used to cut up until very recently . . . it's been since november of this year :/ . . . i miss it terribly, but my mother found out that i did it again for the millionth time and now she literally inspects me all the time. I think for me it's a control thing. It makes me feel powerful, because only i can inflict that kind of pain on myself, and cause actual wounds and scars. It's sort of like no one can hurt me as much as i can hurt myself. I also love the scars . . . looking at them, touching them . . . they make me feel powerful because I was able to do that. And also just the calming factor. Sometimes I feel bad or something, and then my mind races and i can't stop moving, and the only thing that can really fix it is cutting. Which sucks, because if i do it again i'm screwed.

that's just me, though . . . :)

rainforestchild's picture

cutting

I started cutting last year when I wet out with a guy who really liked me. I knew from the begging that I was a lesbian. I have no idea what I was thinking. Anyways... it went really badly and I made some horrible choices and then I broke up with him on the phone and he said some extremely hurtful things. Then my mom found out that same night and everything went down hill. I felt like I deserved soo much pain since I had just hurt him and my mom so much. I didn't use a razor the first time I just used my finger nails. After that time cutting just became a method of control like everyone has been saying. It's gotten pretty bad this year because I am really stressed all the time. Two people know about it, but I feel like they just want to forget. I think I sort of want them to tell on me so I can get help because I would never get help for myself.

stillgotlegs's picture

I have completely been

I have completely been there, but at the time, I wasn't cutting (I swear I might have got through it a bit better if I was).

_________

"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile stays on..."

centerfielder08's picture

i've hurt myself on and off

i've hurt myself on and off for a while, but as of now am clean for 10 months i think it is.

anyway...i found something that really helps.
the other day when i was getting super strong urges to cut, instead, i took out a pen and wrote inspiring things where i wanted to cut, or rather wherever nobody would see it. so on my legs i had "I AM SACRED" , "Beauty is forever infinite" , "Winners never quit" , and one other saying which i cant remember at the moment. it felt so good because writing on my skin took on a dull feeling of edginess so that it helped to at least calm the emotions enough for me to get out of the crisis.

the_poet377's picture

idk i started when i was

idk i started when i was thirteen years old. it had become ritualistic for me. i havent done it for almost three now and still i have the desire to. idk if guaging the ears counts as self injury but i can definitely relate to what a lot of u are feeling.

lonewolf678's picture

here's to...

...a really old forum topic!

centerfielder08's picture

rainforest....im here if you

rainforest....im here if you wanna chat. i totally get what youre saying.

Bobbie's picture

Omg

I hope you guys all get help and stop!! You're all too good for that it makes me so sad!

Smile :)
Forget peoples rude remarks
Those people are just jealous of your awesomeness!!!!

oldfoxbob's picture

This is an old post and well You know

Although its not my field and I admit I know little about the subject here. I do know that "cutting" is a cry for help. When a person cut's them self they release endorphins which give t pain yet pleasant feeling to the cutter. It is a dangerous game to play. I know of one "cutter" who got an infection then gangrene, all from an unclean razor, and ended up loosing her leg just above the knee. I also know of two "cutters" who are now HIV poz because they shared the razor with each other one not knowing that he was infected and infected the other unwittingly.
The pain one feels about their body and feels repulsed by their own skin is real, but mental. Again its a cry for help, from what I personally do not know. But I do know that there is a way to get the help. PM me if you feel you need the help sources and I will obtain a list and answer you with that list of them.
OFB

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.