It occurred to me last night, somewhere between shots 5 and 9 of Pepsi, that
a.)Pepsi is good for the soul, and
b.)No one is really interested in the truth, and when I say no one I mean
me, and since I know everyone thinks the same way I do, and by
everyone I mean C, let's just forget this Sunday business and declare today
Lie Day. Go ahead, lie. Lie to me. Lie to yourself. Lie to your imaginary
friend. Lie to your pet monkey. You know you want to.
Help Me To Help You - More Lies To Get You Through Another Day
1. Everyone loves you.
I know you see them whispering and pointing and laughing and they stop talking
when you enter the room, but this is just because they are planning your surprise
birthday/congratulations on your promotion to Deputy Communications Chief of
The White House/you're a jolly good fellow party! As for the "Kick Me" sign
they stick to your back, and the tripping, and the tying your shoe laces
together, and the kicking, well those are all signs of affection in other
countries; they are just trying to enlighten you to other cultures while
expressing their deep, deep, abiding love for you. Yes, you. So put on your
party hat and your party shoes, but remember to act surprised when they wheel
guillotine cake, and you didn't hear it from me. In
fact you've never heard of me at all. Especially if it's a parole officer type
asking. You know, just in case.
2. John Lennon is not dead.
Imagine that! Dead? Nope. Alive. He has had extensive plastic and vocal cord
surgery, in an attempt to throw off would-be assassins, assumed the name
Chris Martin, and performs with his band, maybe you've heard of them, Coldplay? You're probably thinking, umm, huh? Well me, too. But let's just go with it. Ok.
Everyone knows John must have his Yoko, and so he does. Only it's not the
actual Yoko, well it is, but she's taken over Gwyneth Paltrow's body in what
I can only describe as some sort of Freaky Friday experiment gone horribly
awry, sort of like when Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore switched bodies. I know
this is a lot to swallow, so I'll let it sink in a bit, but I thought you
would want to know so you could put on your John Lennon Is Alive t-shirt right
away and tell all your friends.
3. On January 3, 2006 Space Blobs are not going to come down to earth from
Mars (the planet, not the candy bar), and they're not going to take over the
following provinces: Alberta, the Yukon, New Brunswick, and Alaska. (And yes, I
realize that at the moment Alaska is an American state. But is it 2006 yet?)
Everyone is safe. Those of you in any of those states, you don't need to move,
or build a Space Blob shelter to hide in, or make sure you have plenty of
potato chips and water to last you the rest of your natural life, because it's
just not going to happen. Trust me, I work for NASA.
4. Mad Cow just means the cows are mad - angry mad, not crazy mad.
This whole "deadly disease, infected cows, ban on beef" thing was something
the cows thought up at a cow poker game one night while discussing ways to
avoid slaughter (the band and the act of being killed, thanks for asking) and
get back at those of us partaking of their beefy goodness. Beau The Cow said
"Hey, I know, I'll pretend like I'm going mental, remember when Farmer Boz
showed us Girl Interrupted on Movie Night? I'll just take my cue from that,
and then Murray The Cow can shock my cow heart with the barbed wire from the
fence over there when they're not looking and make me appear to die, like in
that other movie we saw, Flatliners!". And that's how it all began. Worked
like a charm, too. Good thing I'm here to tell you that it's all a big cow
conspiracy and you can go get your usual quadruple
bypass pounder with cheese at lunch today. Enjoy, and really, don't worry about getting holes in your
brain. And even if say, it was true, which it's not, it's just the result of
a few angry cows who saw a few too many movies, who cares, Keifer Sutherland
and Julia Roberts would bring you back to life, and you'd have something to
talk about at parties. Which is really all that matters. Isn't it?
Don't you feel so much better now? Well I do.
WTF?? I just posted this, and looked it over, and guess what?
The fucking spacing doesn't work.
I spent a whole minute spacing this.
Can anyone fix it for me?
I guess you guys could just imagine spaces...
But it's OK now.
I've found the secret of HTML.