Where Is My Gay Apocalypse?

JB's picture

Where Is My Gay Apocalypse?
Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was
promised hellfire. And riots. What gives?

By Mark Morford, San Francisco Gate Columnist
Friday, March 5, 2004

I have been waiting patiently.

I have been staring with great anticipation out the window of my flat here in the heart of San Francisco, sighing heavily, waiting for the riots and the plagues and the screaming monkeys and the blistering rain of inescapable hellfire. I have my camera all ready and everything.

There has been nothing. I see only some lovely trees and a stunning blue sky and my neighbor walking by with her pair of matching chow chows as a pained-looking woman struggles to parallel park her SUV. Same old, same old.

And this is San Francisco, same-sex-marriage HQ, Sodom-and-Gomorrahville, debauchery central. We are supposed to be careening off the nice, safe road of social acceptability right now, welcoming chaos, exploding into a fiery hell mist of our own sick godless depravity and dropping off the disgusted planet any minute now.

Where is my raging apocalypse? This is what I want to know. Where is the social meltdown? The moral depravity? I was promised an apocalypse, dammit. What am I supposed to do with all these tubs of margarine and confetti and kazoos?

There have been more than 3,500 same-sex-marriage
ceremonies in San Francisco so far. Hundreds more are just now kicking up a storm in Oregon and in beautifully rebellious little burgs around New York state. And, yet, nothing. No chaos. No rain of terror. Not even a lousy heat wave. Sigh.

Some homosexual couples have been married for more than three weeks now, living in utter godless sin as they drive their cars and shop and laugh and cry and go to work and pay their taxes and wonder about their dreams. Lightning has not struck them dead. The Hellmouth has not opened wide its gaping maw, hankering for some of the City's trademark Sourdough o' Sin. I am dumbfounded.

After all, same-sex marriage is supposed to ruin the nation, is it not? Induce actual rioting and civil unrest and shirtless anarchy as millions of stupefied citizens pray to a bloody pulverized Mel Gibson-y Jesus for redemption, as they suddenly begin questioning whether ogling the Pottery Barn catalog for more than 10 minutes might mean they're gay.

"It's anarchy," some guy named Rick Forcier, of the Washington state chapter of the Christian Coalition, actually whined. "We seem to have lost the rule of law. It's very frightening when every community decides what laws they will obey." Why, yes, Rick. It's total anarchy. Just look at all the screaming and the bloodshed and the gunfire. Run and hide, Rick. The gay people in love are coming. And they've got tattoos and funny haircuts and want to get married and celebrate their love and be left alone. Hide the children.

This was -- and still is -- very much the right-wing sentiment. It was almost a guarantee: Same-sex marriage spelled the instantaneous end of all that is good and righteous and edible. Insurrection was imminent, apocalypse nigh. You could see it in their eyes -- they could hardly wait.

Hell, even Governator Arnie went on "Meet the Press" recently and proclaimed, semicoherently, that he was actually worried about the riots and deadly mayhem should S.F. continue with its brazen lawlessness. And look. Nothing. Not a peep. Not a single rabid spitting demon to be seen.

I believe I have been misled. I was told repeatedly in extra-glowing terminology by multiple raging Bible-quoting drones that The Good Book expressly forbids same-sex marriage and gay sex, and to engage in either spells imminent doom and instant social bedlam and there are specific verses all about it.

Is this true? Are there actual verses decrying same-sex marriage? Are they anything like those other Biblical verses, about the rules and regulations surrounding marriage that are making the rounds on the Net right now? Real verses. Actual verses. Verses o' sanctimonious fun. Have you seen them?

Like this: "Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take multiple concubines in addition to his wife or wives."
(II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21).

Or maybe: "A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be stoned to death." (Deut 22:13-21)
Isn't that cute? Isn't quoting Bible verse fun? Ask your local pastor about that one.

Or how about: "If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law."
(Gen. 38:6-10;Deut 25:5-10).
Hey, it's right there, in the Bible. So it must be true.

Is it worth showing those verses to the happily sanctimonious and sneering Christian homophobes who are protesting outside S.F. City Hall right now, telling the gay couples what depraved hell-bound sinners they all are? Nah. Why spoil their whiny apocalyptic wet dreams? Live and let live, I always say.

(Oh, and while we're at it, God also really hates shrimp. Maybe you didn't know. Shrimp are evil, as are all shrimp eaters. Clams, too. Hey, it's in the Bible. You can look it up. Why the Right is attacking homosexuals in love and not, say, Red Lobster, remains a mystery.)

So, here we are. Approaching a full month after the first of S.F.'s marriage ceremonies, and nothing. The universe is smiling madly. The world is shrugging. Anonymous supporters from all over the nation have sent flowers to hundreds of loving gay and lesbian couples. As of this writing, there is no scathing hellfire. No fanged demons of destruction. No meltdown whatsoever. I would know, right? I mean, wouldn't the power go out, or something?

Maybe it's still to come. Maybe total screaming misery and unspeakable sociocultural collapse coupled with wanton bestiality and incest and the giving away of free anal beads to innocent teenagers takes more than a month. Maybe I'm just a little impatient.

Maybe Satan is taking his sweet time to marshal his
leather-clad armies, watching as other U.S. cities get in on the same-sex-marriage act, listening as mayors and governors all chime in their support and say what's the big deal. Maybe Beelzebub is waiting for a big moment so as to really leverage the coming news flash, the special report, the sudden activation of the Emergency Broadcast System.

Something like: "This just in: Earthquakes rocked the globe today as giant fire-breathing bees of death swarmed the countryside, feasting on fat white heterosexual babies mostly from Texas and Colorado Springs and Utah and Idaho, as the institution of hetero marriage careened around the mad vortex of space-time like a savage drunken pinball high on black-tar heroin, just like the Christian Right predicted."

"Horrors bled into the streets, terrorists were spawned by thousands, presidents openly lied so as to lead a nation into bloody violent unwinnable wars, thousands of Catholic priests sexually molested tens of thousands of children over a 50-year period without the slightest punishment, the environment teetered on the brink due to heartless government rollbacks as air quality and water quality and food sources were ravaged in the name of corporate profiteering, the economy crumbled like Jenna Bush after her 10th beer bong as hate and fear and bogus Orange Alerts ruled the land."

Oh wait. That was all before the same-sex-marriage thing.

My bad.

niks121997's picture

Ha ha ha

I loved this. Sarcasm and general mocking. :) I love seeing support and acceptance.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Dan84's picture

Funny!

A funny article, but way too long and rambly.

The irony and hypocrisy is always striking when people condemn same-sex marriage and homosexuality. But you really can't talk to those people. ~sigh.

Thanks for posting that, JB!

Daniel

crookedsmile's picture

I'm gonna jump on the band wagon...

And agree.
This is funny and witty.
Exactly what I always think when I hear people talking about the
sanctity of marriage.

v a n d a l's picture

haha

ahh the bible. always good fun to turn it against the people who use it to back up their hatred.

ginsbergchick's picture

*applauding*

Reading this just made my day. Hell, it made my MONTH! The bible quotes were just priceless. And the ending...well, what can I say but bravo! This is an absolutly sweet piece of work. Big smile and thanks for posting it!

Love and Peace,

~Jay~

Feminism; the radical notion that women are people.

morbid intentions 666's picture

*sniffles*

*wiping tears* that was so beutiful.....*sniff sniff* humor & sarcasm! how do u do it?!any pointers? :P i bet u get thousnds of $$ from turning in scholarship essays :D.....assuming the people grading it rnt christains of course ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"keep ur thorns,cuz m running away" -Mudvayne
"simply being loved, loved, loved -- it's more than enough"-BT

Uneven Edge's picture

OH YEAH! IN YOUR FACE THUMPERS!

A little long, but perfect! That's the way to rub their noses in their own shit! C'mon all, round of applause!!
HOORAH!
YIPEE!
HOORAY!
BRAVO!
ENCORE!

I love this country, I just don't much like the folks in charge.

To truly enjoy life, one must realize the truth that it, at any point, will come to an end...

morbid intentions 666's picture

what about animals' gay apocalpyse?

"it's not natural" is often the cry of homophobes protesting against homosexuality. well do they consider the fact that there are whiptail lizards a.k.a. "lesbian lizards" who r all female (they rock! ;).did they considered the fact that some monkey hav very strange,hot,sweaty(lol j/k or not...) homosexual sex behaviours?
omg! so that's y ebola got the monkeys! o wait it got the straights 2..(just mimickin my idol *looks @ )
rnt animals a part of nature too;so doesnt that make it natural?
y dont christains protest against animal homosexuality thn? rnt humans a part of nature & rnt we all animals ;)?

srry i got boreed & didnt no where to put this :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"keep ur thorns,cuz m running away" -Mudvayne
"simply being loved, loved, loved -- it's more than enough"-BT

TeeAhr1's picture

On the topic of the animal queendom

My aunt has two dyke parakeets. No bullshit. They are, of course, going to hell.

TeeAhr1. Raving batshit loony? Or HOPE FOR MAN??

suffragettecity's picture

meanwhile, over here...

In Singapore, the argument they use to justify the continued enforcement of their anti-sodomy law is that homosexuality is "against Asian values," but that's contrary to history. All of the cultures in Asia - even a few of the Islamic ones - were tolerant of homosexuality before the Europeans came along, colonized them, and then imposed their own bullshit "good Christian" values on the native populations.

Actually, the laws on the books in Singapore and India, as well as the one they had in Hong Kong until around 13 years ago, all come from the British anti-buggery laws. Even though these laws were repealed in the UK in 1967, they were kept in places like HK, on the grounds that they were protecting "Chinese tradition," even though less than 100 years before, it was commonplace for people to have relationships with members of both sexes in both China and Japan (and probably Korea as well). In fact, Westerners used to look down upon Asian cultures for precisely this reason, because Asians didn't have the Westerners' sexually repressive attitudes. Nowadays, this has been reversed, and homosexuality is known as a "Western vice" in Korea, while China didn't even acknowledge that it had gay people until just a few years ago.

I just posted a painting from the Qing Dynasty in my photo gallery that provides some evidence of this.

morbid intentions 666's picture

my mom is chn & she's 1 of th

my mom is chn & she's 1 of those ppl...heh...hmm...*sniffle*..well @ least there r chn homo stars :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"keep ur thorns,cuz m running away" -Mudvayne

apuffalogic's picture

Apuffalogic: Forum Necromancer

I'm commenting to bring this thing back from the dead.

Having been reduced to randomly clicking on forum numbers by my desperate boredom, I just happened to bump into this!

Hilarious. I mean, sure, it's three-ish years old, but the sarcasm it contains acts as an excellent preservative.
___________________________________________
'How can I tell,' said the man, 'that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?'

wilma wonka's picture

lol, i loved this

I loved this. I had a good laugh over it. Unfortunatly, logic doesn't work with homophobes. I tried to logic with my dad and it didn't work so the only thing stuff like that is good for is making gays and gay supporters laugh, but it's very good at that.

"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

shadow fire's picture

LMAO!! this is awesome! I need to send this to people.

This is so bookmarked! thanks for bumping it. (and of course thanks to the person who posted it in the first place)

utter_insanity's picture

This is freaking awesome!

This is freaking awesome! Somebody needs to post this on an anti-gay website and see what happens. Sure, it'll probably be futile, but why not give it a shot? :D


"Women in rubber will ALWAYS be flirting with me!" --Maureen in the musical RENT

joemondragon's picture

"'It's anarchy,' some guy

"'It's anarchy,' some guy named Rick Forcier, of the Washington state chapter of the Christian Coalition, actually whined. "We seem to have lost the rule of law. It's very frightening when every community decides what laws they will obey." Why, yes, Rick. It's total anarchy. Just look at all the screaming and the bloodshed and the gunfire. Run and hide, Rick. The gay people in love are coming. And they've got tattoos and funny haircuts and want to get married and celebrate their love and be left alone. Hide the children."
HAHAHA. Classic.

"A friend is someone who bails you out of jail; a best friend is someone who stands in the cell next to you and says 'that was freakin' awesome'"
-Dr. Jamie Morris