A journal entry from me! Read it!

Dan84's picture

Hey all!

I haven't written a journal entry in quite a while. I have something very important I'd like to write about. But first, a bit about life right now.

In brief, I'm good. Nothing exciting to write here, unfortunately. Classes just wrapped up last week (Yay vacation! But I met so many cool new people...), and I'm planning for my two week Education Block. I know I haven't written an entry in a while, but I have been very active in the forums and replying to people's journals. Due to the Block, from about April 21 to May 6, I will really disappear. Probably NO entries! I'll get behind! People will find boyfriends and girlfriends, they'll get into all kinds of great school programs, and two weeks will go by when someone doesn't encounter homophobia or heterosexism!

Oh, and I haven't told anyone new about my non-heterosexuality.

Now, onto the tough stuff. I'm still struggling with the whole "I'm queer-- so what's my relationship with other guys, now?" thing. Obviously, if I'm not interested in a guy "in that way," then it's easy: be friends or nothing. But what happens when I'm in the middle? Not so clear cut, eh? The thoughts slowly change... "Yeah, he's a great guy, makes a great friend, kind of attractive, hot eyes, I bet he's great in..." and so on. And I'm sick of trying to figure out sexual preference... it can't be done without asking them point-blank, dammit! I'm convinced of it! (Unless it comes up casually in conversation, and someone mentions that they're gay or whatever in passing. Or that he has a girlfriend, but even then...)

The reason I'm thinking more about this now is that a concert by my second favourite band is coming up in three weeks! (YAHHHHH!!!!). I'm trying to figure out who among my friends to ask. That's the easy part.

The hard part is the one guy from Ed. class I have a crush on. In passing, he mentioned he likes the type of music this band plays. Among other male friends (really just friends!), I'm thinking of asking him. He's a great guy, and I'm sure it'd be a lot of fun to go to a concert with him. But I'm not sure... am I asking him as "just" a friend, or something more? Obviously, if I'm out with a bunch of friends, I'm not going to make a pass at him or anything, but... When will be the next time I see him?

I admit, I think I'm starting to obssess about him. Not in the dangerous, stalky way, but just in the "If only if only if only if only" way. In all the times I've spoken to him, he hasn't brought up anything about his romantic life or interests. No Sig.O., not even a "he/she's hot".

Nothing.

This lack of info is making me hold out hope... but I'm convinced this holdout's misguided. I really don't want to bring up my sexuality, and I don't want to ask him about his.

So, this brings me back almost to where I started. Do I want to be friends with him, or do I want something more? Obviously, I want something more, but I've also resigned myself to keeping quiet... or have I? Classes are over, but I can't seem to put him aside... I'm so torn!!!!

Help me out!!!!!!

...Oh, and a happy Passover and Easter to everyone who celebrates them. To everyone else, happy Springtime! But remember, as T.S. Eliot reminds us in The Waste Land, "April is the cruellest month".

Best,

Daniel