Spiraling Down

Nate's picture

Okay....I am on my sprial back down into 'the hole.' fun, fun. Things are not right...as usual...but still, it was supposed to get better for me. I know that there where no guaruntees (sp?), but I still shouldn't be spiraling down, again. I've let go most of the problems that I have had with people. At least I am not in denial about my sexuality anymore. I've let people know, which was my biggest fear to begin with. And you know what it wasn't so bad as I thought it could have been. I am pas ALOT of the issues that I once had to deal with, and I have grown because of them. I am more contenct with myself now, unlike 2 months or 2 years ago. I am happy with the type of person that I have become. I just do not understand the, if I am so happy with myself then why am I 'falling' and cutting? Am I trapped in some illusion that I have created to escape reality, again?

I am a very analytical thinker, but why do I then rely on feelings/emotions to run the decisions that I am faced with on a day to day basis? Mr. J told me that I am too sensitive to what people think of me and that I need to toughen up some and get over it. This coming from a man that I go to when I need help with some problems that my friends cannot help me with. (Which by the way I rarely see him.) I guess he has a point on some level though. But here is another question....how am I still not 'tough' after all that I have been through? Hadn't I been tough when I was forced to deal with my family and the rejection of some of my friends? I do realize that I let people affect me on a deeper more personal level and I am sick and tired that i let that happen to me. Can I really have control over what people say and the effects it has on my mind and spirit? Can I really become impervious to their blows and attacks on my character? I believe I have done a fairly decent job in being 'tough', or have I just been niave? He is right, I am too sensitive.

I guess after coming out to the few that I have told, I kind of expected things to turn out differently. Things have changed in the reason that I can be myself around people and not be afraid of the hatred of me being a bisexual. I do not have to be afraid that they will reject me. They might not accept my lifestyle but they can at least accept me as their long time friend. I enjoy these feelings of liberation. I do not know how I did it for all those years. Hiding who I was from all of the world. I figured out that was one of the main causes of my depression. (i.e. - I have been diagnosed with a milder form of the bipolar syndrome, officially.)

One thing that I have learned from these experiences is that I need to just sit down, shut up, and let the world pass me by. It is fun watching people go about life and ignore you isn't it?

Life Goes On And So Must I,
The Wandering Wonderer