I want to run away

extreme447's picture

I have got to stop this self-contridicting shit. It is not good for my credibility. Two nights ago I tell Kathal that I am a full blown lesbian and not bi as i had originally stated because it was just plain easier that way (the "being" bisexual i mean). Then, less than twenty-four hours later I am hooking up with this guy and she was there and saw it happen. Fucker why did I do that? It is not as if it was sexually gratifying. I felt nothing. Hooking up with a guy is like chewing gum once it has lost its flavor. It is purely mechanical. I hooked up with him all over the place too. It was weird. Why do i do this? No wonder my friends are confused (or at least I assume they are- we never really talk about my sexual identity). Out of all the people I chill with or talk to on an intimate basis all of them know that I like girls to some extent. Out of my five close friends, all of them have been informed by myself that I am bi, while two of them have been told the truth that I am in fact a lesbian. Eventually, they will all be told. Not right this minute though. I like the fact that I can hook up with a guy and not confuse at least the majority of my friends. I like the fact that I can at least fit in to some extent right now. I don't mind being different, it is just that sometimes, it is nice to just go with the flow. Everything always seems like a struggle. And with these meaningless hook ups, I am finally able to understand the rules. I finally know exactly what to do. And it helps get my mind off of Kathal. I think that I am finally getting over her. Yay for me. It has taken over a year, but I finally am able to just appreciate her beauty without a visual fantasy necessary. It only took seeing her ALL OVER a guy two nights in a row. I'd seen her hook up with guys before, but this was different. This had been almost comparible to the preamble to sex. I was so angry after those nights. I was so frustrated with so many things that I had to leave my house. I could not stand the confines of the walls any longer. I began to run and didnt stop until I could run no longer. By the time I stopped, it was about 1:30 in the morning. I had run for ninety minutes. It was ridiculous. I had left my town and had come close to leaving another. I walked home slowly so that I didnt get home until about four. I needed that. I was able to think things through. I was able to begin the process of getting over Kathal.

Comments

extreme447's picture

hmm

Okay well to clear up a few things, I first of all have remained essentially celebate for months before the incident of last weekend. I do not make it a habit of hooking up with guys because as you said, it is self-destructive and I recognize that fact. The only reason that the entirety of my friends have yet to be told that I am a lesbian is that I am reluctant to let go of that back-up plan so to speak. I like the fact that there is always something to fall back on, but I also realize that I am leading my partner on, and am attempting to hoodwink myself as well. So, basically, thanks a bunch for your response. I agree with you essentially 100%.