An Update, and Realisations

Angelique-Orchid's picture

I told Max everything. It felt good. And he was so unjudgemental. He said he was cool with not really trying to figure out what was going on between us, to ease shit on me, and for the moment I guess we will just try to act as "normal" as possible. I told him about Jen freaking about us, and he said:
" if we dont fix this, its gunna fuck up my friendship with her, and shes going to use it against me if her and I ever get in a fight. "

So we called her. And he told her it was all a joke, and that it was a stupid joke, and hes sorry that he talked me into saying it to her. She hung up in the middle of his apology.

So that was a bad idea. Now I dont know whether to leave it as it is and keep her thinking that it was all a huge lie (its possible she could tell from my tone i wasnt lying) or to tell her that max was lying and that we did have sex and that I am sorry but I would rather her know the truth.

Upon waking up this morning, I felt like shit. I cant stop thinking around the triangle: Jen, Max, Aylen, Jen, Max, Aylen. And with each time I shift from person to person, I groan.

Jen is innocent. Its not her fault I rushed things with Aylen or that I was stoned and let myself have sex with Max. However, she could have let me know sooner. However, I rushed things. I dont know whether I should blame her for not hinting at it better. I am trying not to.

Max is innocent. Its not his fault that Jen likes me and didnt let me know, its not his fault that I let him fuck me, I could have told him not to.

Aylen is the most innocent. Its most definatley not his fault i pushed him into asking me out, and its definately not his fault that I had sex with Max.

Jen is in rehab. She has to disassociate. If I dont patch things up with her, she has noone. As I think I said before, her family is an issue, her friends are the drug issue, and i was the only person she had to talk to. If i dont fix things with her, its going to fuck her up more, it makes things more difficult for her. People keep telling me: if you care so much, then you must love her.

GODDAMN IT.

Who ever fucking invented this bullshit Love thing. I cant choose one and love just that one. I love Max, I love Aylen and I love Jen. YES ALL OF THEM! ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Max is sleeping and we need to go get me the pill. hopefully BEFORE my 2:30 physical therepist appointment.

RARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!