A lot has happened since I last wrote. I guess I just sort of had to deal before I shared anything with the world.
It started a little over a week ago. Sari and I were having one of our little secret chats. I wrote about it in my journal, but couldn't bring myself to post it here. I guess it was still to fresh to share with anyone. So here it is, straight from my journal on the night it happened:
I asked her if I would ever get to see her again. I don't think I really wanted to know the answer. Our plans for New York have been "postponed". She's going to go backpacking through Europe. And then who knows. If we meet again, we'll pick up where we left off. If not, it's been good.
That sounds so cold when I write it out. But it wasn't. We were both really torn up when we discussed it. But pretty much, she's going her way and she wants me to go mine. And while that's the last thing I want, I agreed. Because she has so much more to deal with than I do. I wish you could have heard her. She wasn't the same person. It's like she's reverted back to the shy little girl I met in 4th grade. Everything I've helped to create in her has been erased. She's so scared. It breaks my heart.
I took it a lot better than I thought I would. Because I can't be mad at her. I've been that scared before. I know what it feels like to have your fear control you. So I'm not mad at all.
I'm hurt that she'd give up that easily, but once again I can understand why. She has it so much worse.
More than anything, I hope she's happy. I really do. I know it's a weird thing to say the same night she broke up with me, but I hope she finds someone. Someone who'll treat her like she deserves. Someone who can help her find herself again. She's done so much for me I can't begin to describe it all. She's actually made me who I am. I thought I'd done the same for her. And maybe I have, but she's got it buried right now. But I hope she meets someone who can bring it back out again. Who can make her smile.
I still love her with all my heart. I don't think that will ever change. They say that love is giving someone your heart, trusting them not to break it, forgiving them when they do, and knowing when it's time to let go. I guess it's time.
I just can't believe that her parents have beaten her that low. She used to be a one woman pride parade. And now she can't even let herself admit that what we had was a beautiful thing. People make me sick.
It hasn't all been bad, though. I made a dear new friend in Jo (La Jo 9430). She's really been helping me through all this. I don't know what I'd do if she hadn't decided to IM me one day. I really don't have words enough to thank her.
Well, I leave for my big trip in less than two days. Time to see how the relatives react.