i was just thinking about how much people can mistake knowing your abilities with good self-esteem and stuff like that. i mean, i know i'm good at some things. i know i'm one of those lucky people who can be pretty good at pretty much anything i try without working to hard, and really good at whatever i set my mind to. i know that. but, i still feel crappy. i still don't like myself. i still feel crappy about feeling crappy. i still think it's wrong for me to feel crappy, and that because i feel crappy, there must be something wrong with me. i know i'm good at stuff. people don't need to remind me. in fact, reminding me just reinforces the belief that i'm bad. ahg i cant understand why people don't get that it's not an abilities thing! it's not an intelligence thing! it's not even a body thing! those things come from this. this crappy feeling penetrates into everything, so that i believe that i'm crappy, i believe that my body sucks, that i'm stupid, that i'm worthless. i don't need to be reminded that i've got all these things going for me cuz i know that already! i know that, ok? and knowing that i've got all those things going for me is sucky right now, cuz i wish i had something to blame this feeling on, but i don't. it's just.. me. the abilities aren't wrong. the people around me aren't the problem. the situation isn't. the town isn't. it's me that's the problem. ME. the common factor in all situations is me, so that's got to be the problem. there's something wrong with ME. i wish i could blame it on other shit, but i can't. the problem with my world is me.
and realising this just makes me hate myself all the more.