*sigh* I'm going to melt.

Spirit1313's picture

I know that people maintain that you can not melt because of heat, but I am fairly sure thats what will happen eventually. It's ridiculous. My poor cats haven't moved all day. Poor kitties.

Last night was interesting, to say the least. My mom was outside in the tent in the back yard. It's one of those tents you would get to put a table set and stuff inside to keep bugs out, and it's really quite nice at night. We hooked it up with cute little copper sphere lights. Anyway, she was out there drinking, and being upset because it's end of the month so Lynn is ALWAYS working. So I went out there to see what was going on and if she was okay. We started talking about the three kids she takes care of and the two I take care of. And gradually it morphed into a conversation about my mom's childhood. My grandparents took in foster kids and the way my mom described it "I would come home one day, and there would be three kids. I would come home from school the next day and there would be two." My mom has one actual sister. I guess one of the foster kids called a long time ago to try and contact my grandparents using the number he got from his adoptive parents. And my grandfather answered the phone. He didn't get a name, or a number, or anything because he just didn't know how to handle the situation. My mom wishes she could find out what happened to all of the foster kids. Now I know where I got my love for helping people and for taking care of children.

The conversation then took another turn and we wound up talking about the past and all the things we've gone through. That's when I started crying. There are so many things I wish I could tell her, but right then wasn't the time. She couldn't understand that and kept pushing me to talk to her.

I blame myself for so much. All these things that perpetually weigh me down and blacken my soul making it hard for me to live day by day. To add on to all that, my father doesn't really talk to me at all anymore which kills me inside. And I still can't move on past my grandfather's death and that whole story. It's just not easy for me. And I can't tell her. I can't tell anyone. I just can't talk about it. Maybe with the right person I could, but I can't find the person who is willing to listen to me rant about it.

That was my night. I cried for so long. And it didn't really help. We also talked about my sister and how much she alters our family for the worse and how much she enjoys the fact that she does that. It was very draining to go through.

Well, I'm going to go melt somewhere else. Have a nice evening everyone!

Comments

Beryl's picture

Do you mean all that stuff yo

Do you mean all that stuff you told me about that night before we went to P-town? If you ever need someone to rant to, I am here. Ish. I know we don't hang out like, ever, and I am not very reliable and I never have a anything really smart to say, but when you talk I hear you, and I hope you always feel like you can trust me with these things.